ann-marieee.blogspot.com

#153: Moving on, because there's no where else to go.

2012-01-31T22:26:00.000+08:00

A million spelling mistakes and memories bundled up in 152 blog posts.

For so long, I've wanted to delete this blog, and all the posts in it. Proof of my idiocy, of my innocence, of my love for writing and doling out a thousand words that nobody reads about how I feel.

I could never bring myself to do it.

I don't know when this happened -- but I realised that every bit of who I am is a product of what has happened. Every mistake, every error, every enemy made, every friend gained and lost, every... problem, has shaped and moulded me into the person that I am today.

A work in progress, yes, but... there's a reason to be proud of where you come from. Because only then can people see how far you've come and how much further you'll even go.

One month after New Year's, it is, but it's never too late for new beginnings.

Here's to moving forward -- because in the end, there's no where else to go.

Pssstttt....

You can check out my new, revamped blog HERE ;D

Respect

2011-12-29T01:23:00.000+08:00

I really do respect the many bloggers who actually make blogging a living. I know it seems like oh, they have such a cushy life where everything is given to them, but the amount of time that is needed to come up with a good blog post that people actually want to read is not a joke.

Hell, even coming up with a blog post that I want to read is hard enough. LOL.

I look at the hundreds of photos I've taken over the course of two weeks and become overwhelmed by a sense of laziness and… contentment. Happy that I've taken some good pics, lazy enough not to upload them on my blog and yes, blog about it (duh. thank you captain obvious)

But yes, internship. Fun fun fun. I think that it's all about perspective really. How you take it. I find it hard to actually just go YAY, ANOTHER COLOUR STORY, when I'm at the newsdesk, but really, suck it up. I know my place, I'm just an intern, and I'm learning. As they always say, you've gotta start from the bottom up. And that's what we're doing no? I find myself saying things like "wow this is something I'd like to do in the future", or "gotta prepare in case I come back next time."

Like it's hilarious how when I first joined the Starstruck! program, I had actually written off journalism as a career. Because it was too mainstream (seriously). Everyone (almost) expects me to take up journalism, like it's some kind of path that has been lit up and *ding* there you go, your life, laid out for you.

It's nice and all, but I need time to really…do some soul searching on what I really want to do and become. I'd hate to waste 3-4 years of my life, studying something that I'll regret later. I'll definitely do something interesting, but right now, I'm just looking for something I won't regret.

Being an intern has taught me a lot of things. From having to suck it up even in front of the people you dislike, to the fact that some people will dislike you no matter how nice you are to them. That some people, however nice they are online, may appear to be chicken heads in real life. People whom you call your 'soul sister' may turn out to be the most annoying person ever. People who seem like chicken heads online actually turn out to be the nicest people I've ever met.

People who turn out to be exactly like they are online (not my point)

But still. From SPM where my world practically revolved around studying enough to score that elusive A, I had to change and adapt really quickly. I'm now in the real world, sans my parents, sans any relatives nearby that I can run to in tears to cry and sob, sans the cushy comforts of my home in Bukit Mertajam. No real, true friends that you know can stick by your side forever.

It's all a facade.

When I take the bus to work, I think about how my life could be such a lie. Tolerating people I don't really give a flying poop about, watching my two housemates bicker about anything and everything (which is REALLY annoying btw), doing things like ambushing random strangers in shopping malls for stories that people perhaps only glance through.

It's not easy, not even close.

I'm lucky to have people like Ellora (hello, best bitching partner and annoyer in the world ;p) and Kyle (the forever alone guy who's really practical and impractical at the same time hahah) as my housemates. They make living….almost okay, because we're not THAT much different. Silly, dirty pigs, messing up the apartment exactly how we want to lol.

*sigh*

Which brings me to my next point.

I think hypocrites make me want to hit them on the head. I think I'm pretty consistent *self-flattering* but there are some people who are all syrupy sweet to your face and turn around with a master plan to destroy your life and embarrass you for all eternity. Or even worse; ensure that you'll never be happy under the guise of 'doing what's best for you'.

How about calling yourselves a walking encyclopedia, putting people and the writing program itself down everywhere you go and acting all high and mighty? Cue bitch, please meme. Seriously. God.

And you, offering to take us back and then blackmailing me after that? And two days later, for no reason at all, want to hold my hand? Goodness.

Oh, and using every excuse to get angry and upset at everything.

Or having an accent that is so fun to copy.

Or having an annoying voice.

Or being such a crappy person.

Or using other people like nobody's business.

Or for inviting my best friend *ahem* to a musical and not me because I talk bad about you all the time behind your back and to your face because you're annoying and look like a Bratz Doll. HAHAHA.

(inserts numerous reasons to hate people here)

I know how our Starstruck! family appears to be so close and loving, in a way, we really are. I just feel that, a lot of the things that some people say are said because it's like we're being watched. It's a show. They say things like "I love you" but turn around and hate each other, poising their knives to stab each other in the backs at any given opportunity.

No, it's not THAT extreme, but I think for some, it's like that. This is only another… program that will make you 'succeed in life' and stuff. To me, it's supposed to be that and so much more. I think that's the point of having a program, not just hiring individuals and sending you assignments that you have to complete. Getting closer together is part of the process.

In a way, I really do feel a lot (in other words, I'm an emotional wreck). When I'm happy I'm super duper happy. When I'm sad the world comes crashing down on me. When I'm pissed…. nobody can stand in my way (except Chuck Norris)…. so yes, I find myself feeling alot. Penting up a lot of my feelings and hatred. Feeling like I'm about to burst out crying at certain moments when the bullshit is just…… at 140%.

I don't really ask for much this New Year's. All I want is…to put all this bullshit behind me. School, people who shouldn't be worth my time, the past….all, *points backwards* behind me.

Not because I think I have the brightest future of them all, because well, I'm not going overseas to study (yet hopefully) or have any plans, but because…it's useless to hold on to yesterday and all its misery. Like Snowflake's sign says: keep the sweet memories, but not the spoon. HAHAA.

I wish the internship would last much, much longer, because there's so much more I want to learn and to….do without feeling so tired and beat after everyday.

*le sigh*

A proper, non-rambling blog post is due soon. I think. :p

What I Did For Christmas

2011-12-26T01:50:00.000+08:00

On a completely random note, I'm really addicted to How To Love by Lil' Wayne (Goodness me I actually typed little Wayne HAHA proper Inggeris fuyoh :p)

Anyhow here's a recap from the 24th. :D

24th December 2011
Ju Mei stayed over at my house. Onlined/Omegled (same thing pretty much) till 2am and went to bed. Woke up at…7.30. Bathed. Double checked packed bags (tongue twister. Try it) and headed out. Missed the bus by 2 minutes, I literally saw it driving by the bridge before we could cross it FOL.

After some debating, I thought it would suck to save money on transport but end up being left behind by the bus to Penang so we took a cab. A freakin' cab to freakin' KL Sentral. Luckily we had a good cab driver. TTDI – KL Sentral was only RM12.20 and we arrived in like, what, 7 minutes? Pretty good in my books actually. Plus, he didn't make any creepy comments. :P

Had Subway at KL Sentral (satiated my intense cravings for chicken, cheese and bread), packed the cookies in my backpack, and left KL Sentral by LRT at 9.30. Took an LRT to Masjid Jamek, and from there, we were supposed to change the LRT to another one so we can head to Plaza Rakyat (where the Pudu bus station is) but we got a little bit lost. Even cheated the LRT token thing cause Ju Mei slotted in her tokens before we reached our final destination so she was an immigrant of sorts la. I scanned my Touch&Go and waited for her to follow me closely behind so we can both sneak by the scanner without having to pay twice.

Phew, luckily that worked :p

By the time we reached Pudu it was 9.57. Pushing our luck man, our bus was at 10pm. I think I have a chronic incapability to be on time, which is a terrible, terrible thing to have.

Anyhow managed to get on the bus on time (yes!) but got stuck with sucky seat mates in front of us (boo!). Dear delicate woman here actually taught me some tips on how to nudge the person's seat in an annoying manner that will make them adjust their seat upright lol. Good for delicate woman :p

Longest bus ride, like, ever, not that I've been on many. The driver took the inroads of Perak instead of the usual highway route. Like that added an extra, unnecessary hour to the journey. Luckily this bus driver made a pit stop at Juru rest stop so my dad could pick Ju Mei and I up from there. *shudders* I'm going to go back in about 12 hours lol

Dad took us to Jusco where he gave me the keys and let me drive back! OMG DRIVING SO EXCITED. I'm a little rusty already thought but yeah, I love driving :3

Shopped for a little bit and had lunch/dinner at KFC, bought sushi and face masks and headed home. Was supposed to head out to show Ju Mei around BM for the night but we were both way too tired to even move (for Ju Mei, even moving two steps to her left to take some snacks was a chore wtf) so yep, slept our way through the night and….

25th December 2011
Christmassss! Had to wake up for mass instead of staying up for the midnight vigil cause my dad had to work, and like I said, we were tired anyway…

I really missed church. I missed being there, going through the motions, and with Ju Mei beside me, I had to explain half the things I do because she didn't understand. It made me realise that, really, religion is a unique thing. I'm glad for my religion, though there were times that I really doubted every single bit of my religion and figured I'd be better off without the belief in God. Religion is weird, because it's weird telling someone to believe in something they've never seen nor witnessed first hand.

Before I get all preachy: I figure that religion, in general, is really important. We all need good values and…some form of faith in a being much, much bigger than us to keep us grounded. Life is only temporary anyway, and despite what all the detractors say (about religion being an escape from the reality of life, that somehow we'll all be saved, bla bla bla), I like the fact that I have someone to talk to. Even if He, to you, is a figment of my imagination.

J-dawg, Happy birthday, yo. :)

Anyway after mass, we headed for the usual corner coffeeshop. It was a little bit…poignant, walking there, seeing familiar faces. The aunties and uncles who sell char kuey teow, kuey teow teng, and chicken rice. The kakak who would come and collect our orders.

2 weeks away and I feel way too homesick for my own good lol. Must be ultra comfortable king sized bed (I kid, I kid :p). But yes, had my kuey teow ta and I loved every bit of it.

Came back after that, took some family pics by the Christmas tree, changed, and headed to Sunway Carnival Mall with the rest of the family and Ju Mei.

Ju Mei and her squinty-I'm-sexy-and-I-know-it stare. :p

Delicate woman and her unhealthy obsession with red bean.

The both of us teeheeeeee.

AmPhotog. *COUGH* Not to flatter myself but it stands for amateur photography HA FOOLED YOU DIDN'T I.

More greens cause it's supposed to be pleasing to the eye lol

Oh god, Ju Mei brings out the shopaholic in me!

Bought various shirts at FOS (mostly presents for er, people *COUGH) and two more at nichii. Total cash blown: RM125. Within an hour I think.

And when I came back to calculate how much money I had actually spent I lost track of RM24+ (must be a meal i can't remember fml). Over 1k spent, in other words. Including rent. The next month, you'll see me eating canned foods, canteen food, and plain bread to save money lol.

Lunch at Chai Leng Park with claypot chicken rice and curry fish head with prawns :D

Came back, restored my iPhone (buhbye crashed apps!), went out to buy more presents from Jusco and came back home. Got ready for Samatha, Shaun and Steve's Christmas party at their home.

This is Ju Mei. and her STOP HOMEWORK tshirt.

This picture is to annoy someone ahem. You hate girls in the bathroom mirror don't you! OMG LOOK THAT'S ME HAHAHAHA. I'm so cool omggggg. >.> Sarcasm mind you, had to point that out in case some retards start 'correcting' me. psh. I quitted grammar!

Samantha and her mom cutting up cakes for the guests. :)

Ju Mei's pic camwhoring 'skills'

This is dinner. Omnomnom.

As you can tell it was pretty family oriented, no head banging party rock anthems bouncing off the house walls, no kids running around spraying fake snow or string, no excessive drinking (sort of), but I had good food, got to talk to some of the coolest friends I have (hear that, Shaun and Samantha?), and see some people I haven't seen in ages. It's all good.

It sucked that I was crazy tired at that time though.

Because apparently jakuns don't know how to screenshot, Ju Mei. >.<

Samantha and I :D

Dessert was a rambutan feast omg.

I stopped eating once this white…bug thing with like a gazillion legs was found on one of the rambutans, lol.

These are the hosts' parents. They were dancing to some songs played through their loudspeakers.

I found this incredibly, incredibly, sweet and romantic. I'm incapable of cynicism when it comes to love: I mean, come on, love conquers all lah okay! (inserts random generic, corny love quote) like, there's love for everyone. Never lose hope or love. Love will conquer everything in the end. Love is the greatest gift you can give and things like that.

But yes, one day, when I'm older, with the 'right person', I'd like to see myself doing this. Just slow dancing to old songs just because. Not giving a flying poop if people stare at us when we dance. Just being…. continuously and caring towards one another all the days of my life.

Ju Mei's christmas tree pics.

Alright that's pretty much it .Then we got back, my brother forgot the house key so we were stranded outside the house for 20 minutes, and I got tonnes of mosquito bites which is freakin' annoying. Ju Mei played tetris battle on my laptop and allowed me to hack her facebook in return *involunary basis* HAHAHAHA :p

Hacked her. :p

"Im the prettiest girl in the world"

Error?!

FML cannot hack. Oh well. so tired. better start heading off to bed now, I have a bus tomorrow afternoon sigh sigh sigh. I never wanna leave this bed……

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T21:27:00.000+08:00

Three hours to go, I should be in church. But my family decided to go for the Morning mass instead of the usual Christmas vigil mass, so here I am, in bed. Ju Mei's sound asleep beside me, and I can hear my mom yelling at my siblings to go brush their teeth.

Somehow, home became unfamiliar after these 2 weeks.

I forgot what it's like to get annoyed at my mom for having to yell at my siblings multiple times. Heck, I forgot what it's like to actually be yelled at. Not that I like it, but still.

Here I am in my own bed…. completely unfamiliar with a comforter, comfortable bedsheets and my favourite pillows.

Why? Do I call 'home' a home and my real home as…a place that I'll have to go back to once this 'magical experience' is over? Why did even looking into the faces of my own parents turn difficult, as I realise that they must be worried sick about me living in the big city alone, doing all these random things like taking public transport late into the night, walking by the dark alleys in the housing area on the way to the apartment, taking cabs and talking to strangers?

Why do I find it hard to contemplate how they must feel, because my heart is breaking trying to be in their shoes? I wouldn't be able to sleep (okay, maybe after night #5 when I'm overcome by exhaustion but still) knowing that my child is somewhere big and scary where people may not give a shit about her if she fell of a cliff and went missing for five days?

2 weeks of living like that and I turned out unscathed… I'm glad to have housemates, really.

Also, where does all the time go? I can't help but regret. So many things I could've done, should've done, would've done, if I had known I would regret it today.

I know I sound crazy and demented and perhaps even on my deathbed, but I'm not. The tears are streaming down my face (like a true emo kid) but yeah, no, I'm alright.

I just wish, I had no fear. To do things, to get rejected, to just go for the things I want in life… I don't know what's holding me back, but getting frozen with fear when I'm pushed to interview someone, or to talk to someone I don't even know and may be bothering scares the crap out of me.

God, this is turning into such a sob story. This shouldn't be happening…

*slaps self*

You are now tuning in to the 2AM show.. .

*slaps self again*

Who would say such a thing when asked to speak to a camera, really!?!

HAHAHAHA. Okay. Merry Christmas everybody, and to all the people who matter: I love you guys to bits. Especially you, mum and dad. If you hadn't let me go on this internship, I wouldn't have the chance to do the things I'm most scared about.

Internship: Day 2

2011-12-13T22:03:00.000+08:00

The first official day of work. Kyle is wigging out over the amount of assignments we're bound to get, and honestly, I'm excited over the opportunities ho ho ho. Not kidding. We get to do a lot of cool things, and well, the downside of it all is being looked down upon. "Intern" is synonymous with worthless chumps to some people HAHAHA.

It's okay, taking it all in my stride.

Amelia, Min Hui and Ju Mei stalking Twitter early in the morning. LOL.

Specifically, they were stalking someone who was tweeting nasty things about the interns. Okay, I guess it was a rant moment. It was funny how all of them were like "OH NO, YOU DIDN'T…" and went on this stalking spree, but really, the loud noise in the office makes it hard to think!

Maybe that's why it's so silent all the time lol.

Okay la she privated her tweets already so we should all just get over it and move along. Everyone should get the chance to rant on their own personal space, even though it's on the internet for all to see. Sure, some things she said were super mean and not warranted at all (does looks have anything to do with talent! PSHHHH) but yeah… *awkward silence*

I just don't think the collective reaction was necessary and taken too far. The things that some of the interns said about her were just as mean if not more anyway!

Moving on, HR is opened today so we finally got our cool tags that can open magical doors into Narnia… I mean random doors in The Star. Except the restricted areas. *SIGH*

Hello, name tag!

Saw this above my work station. I wonder who pasted this. Macho betul!

So the only job we had to do was line up interviews with colleges for the next day for Smart Snacks, a column in StarEducate. Almost surreal, as in, "Wait, we just call them up and ask them to do an interview? Like that? And cook for us?" "Yeah it's that simple". I was pretty stunned and almost convinced everyone would say no.

Some were really rude, others were eager. The thing I took away from these calls were: I'm afraid to talk to strangers, and that publicity could make or break a person/event.

After much light bickering and planning out our day carefully, we (Amanda, Min Hui and I) lined up two interviews for the next day with a visit to Dewan Negara to boot! Heck yeah, the party's just begun *exaggerating* HAHAHAHA.

Lunch at Menara Star… nothing really really nutritious there. Typical kap fan fare and noodles/rice etc which are fried. For breakfast the halal caterer serves Idli, thosai and the like. Nomnomnom :D

Potatoes, curry chicken and some cabbage thing.

And oh, before we got our tags we can't technically run into Menara Star. Gotta get security passes man! LOL.

Blogging about life (what more something as *ahem* eventful as an internship) is really, really more difficult than it sounds. When I get home, I see my bed, and I feel this odd sense of attraction. I could sleep all day for all I care. If work wasn't half as exciting as it was, I'd have A LOT MORE trouble trying to wake up in the morning than usual.

Did I mention how grateful I am for my housemates who are equally disgustingly dirty and lazy as I am, so nobody's actually getting behind me about not folding my blanket or anything. I do miss the nagging (a little bit, gotta admit that!) but really, the house is messy like hell and well yeah, any neat freak would hyperventilate and die when they step into our house lol. True story. :p

Internship: Day 1

2011-12-12T22:02:00.000+08:00

Okay, I cheated. I didn’t blog “every night” like I promised. And I have a feeling I won’t be able to keep up with my promises as well. As exciting as the internship is, every little ounce of energy is zapped out of me the moment I stop to think about how bored/tired I am. *yawn* see?

Life as a (pseudo) journalist is… much more difficult than I anticipated actually. It’s not just parking your butts in front of a computer and coming up with an awesome story. Not even close. It’s so much more: finding that little story that you don’t even bother reading word for word in the newspaper. I have so much more respect for writers, and yes, I definitely agree that some of them are underpaid lol.

It’s 11.37pm on the 4th day of my internship already actually, but use a time machine and go back in time so that as you read this, it’s as though I did blog on “Day 1” HAHA. How to update in real time? I mean, this isn’t Twitter. :p On that note for real time updates and a bucket load of nonsense do check out my Twitter right here :)

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I can’t sleep. I wouldn’t call it insomnia, but yeah… I just have difficulty readjusting my biological clock to normal again. I find it difficult to sleep in weird places, what more when there are sounds (in this case, my dad’s snoring. lol)

My mom and brother, the early risers in the family, were pottering for a few hours (from the sounds of it) in our hotel room and talking as though nobody else was sleeping. I squeezed my eyes shut and hoped that I can drift off to sleep properly, but no. Sleep eludes me.

After getting ready I got a text from Ju Mei asking me where was I. Turns out she thought work started at 9 (jakunnnnn. :p) when in reality it starts around 9.30? So I told her if she wanted to, she could drop by my hotel room HAHAHA. Awkward LOL. Never met her before. So she did come, and (thankfully) helped me carry one of my four bags to Menara Star, a VERY short distance away.

Photo by ELLORA CHUA
Hello, workplace for a month (less than that but who's counting? Oh yeah. The finance department hahahahahahahaah)

Photo by ELLORA CHUA
Everyone laughed at me when I told them I’m starting work in KL on a Monday. Cause it was a public holiday, and to demonstrate how empty it is…

Photo by AMANDA NG

As Amanda herself terms The Star today, it was a 'ghost town', and well, yeah. Ghostly. LOL. Very few people actually came in for work. But that's alright. There's also *cough* someone *cough* in this *cough* picture who *cough* does not *cough* like us interns. But that's ok. lol.

Ok fine. I'll sum it up for you in as few words as possible.

Starstruck Interns = noisy bunch = hyper = funny people = jokes = uncontrollable laughter = more chatter = repeat cycle = annoying cranky work people.

Generally, I'd say that the people here are…rather friendly thus far, with the exception of a few. Well if they were all the same wouldn't they be boring? *self console* variety is the spice of life, and as Anne, our editor, puts it… "Not everybody has to like you." True story. :)

Luckily Ellora and I managed to snag an interview with Margaret Stohl, author of Beautiful Creatures, Beautiful Darkness and Beautiful Chaos (the fourth instalment will come out sometime next year!) who was down in KL thanks to MPH Bookstores!

The two of us bundled into Jeannette's car with Eibhlin while the rest (Amanda, Ju Mei, Kyle and June) took a cab to Midvalley Megamall.

Yo, whaddap Kyle!

All of us with Margaret Stohl! :)

Didn't even know we got to interview Margaret until the night before. Google was my half-saviour, Eibhlin was supposed to be the other half but oh well, you can't always depend on people to spoon feed you information especially when they don't want to, can you? HAHA. But yeah, I think it went….fine, except for a few awkward silences here and there because we found it hard to think up questions because we didn't actually know when she'd stop talking.

In other words, we're rookies, and we're learning. So definitely, hopefully, I'll get a better feel of things as we go along.

The one thing she said that stuck out was, "Video games and story books are just different ways of telling a story", which is true. The written word isn't the only way to tell a story.

After this assignment, we headed to the food court for brunch. Although I didn't have breakfast, I was pretty turned off by the high prices and well, not-worth-it-ness of the space so we headed to Jusco to buy mineral water. 65 cents a bottle! (Cheapest there. Cepumas!)

Ju Mei and Ellora. Who went shopping for water with me lol. :p

The freaking huge Christmas tree! Apparently not the best one in town either but hey, as if I'll be able to go around and check it out on the budget we're on and the transport woes we have. HAHA.

The 'mascots' of the MPH Carnival with Ellora & Ju Mei.

Ju Mei is so cute, I swear, lol. I practically pushed the both of them into the photo, and Ju Mei was standing awkwardly to the left hand side at first. Seeing Ellora move over to the right side, she did the same thing, but… the pirate on the right actually moved over to Ju Mei to put his arm around her shoulder. HAHAHAHAH. And just when he lifted his arm Ju Mei moved over. It was soooo awkward but they didn't notice lol. FUNNY OK.

Okay, maybe not.

Why do the prettiest shoes have to hurt?

I mean. Yes, they're nice and expensive and comfortable to wear for at most an hour you know. Then BOOM, I get three blisters. Great, just great. Got to stock up on plasters. The best part was that when we were coming back the three of us who went in Jeannette's car to MidValley would switch with the ones taking the cabs so that it would be fair in a sense. Eibhlin, Ellora and I were supposed to go by taxi but Eibhlin wanted to go with Jeannette anyway. So Ju Mei graciously volunteered to sit in the taxi with us. Ta jie! *bows* HAHA

First taxi ride. Omg how do people on the Amazing Race do it wei? This taxi driver was a bit creepy. Indian (not racist, just stating his race), covered his meter all the way, played creepy Tamil songs…. oo…kay. *awkward silence*

He went the wrong way and stopped quite a distance from Menara Star, so we ended up having to walk. FOL, especially since my shoes hurt.

Ellora and Ju Mei on our walk back to Menara Star :)

The two people assigned to the Education desk this week (along with Min Hui! :D)

So we're supposed to take over Twitter with the hashtag #starstruckatstar but it doesn't seem to work? So *shrugs* And yes, we get to tweet on the job teeeheee :D My education desk editor actually stalks my/our twitter accounts HAHAHAHA. So funny. :P

Ta Jie and I :D

Photo by AMANDA NG

All of us :D From left: June, Kyle, Ellora, myself, and Ju Mei. Amanda not included cause she was behind the camera. :p

By 3.45pm we made our way to the apartment in case the crazy lady who doesn't reply my e-mails gives away the apartment to someone else and we're rendered homeless. Thankfully, we're not. Dumped our bags and surveyed the 'living conditions' before Anne and Jeannette took us out for tea.

We had tea at this place called Olden Days (me thinks…) and the toast bread was weird. I had my dose of half boiled egg though, so I'm happy. Lol.

Came back home and took photos of our entire apartment. Cepumas.

The dining room. If you can even call it a room…

Part of Kyle's room. Supposed to drag the bed out to the living room for Vanneeda, but she's a couch person, lol.

Kyle's bed.

The general table that has become an umbrella base, shoe dump site and random stuff holder. Sounds good to me.

Ellora & I will be roomies for the next month. My bed's on the left, Ellora's is on the right.

Kyle is talking to the aircond. Lol just kidding. He was calling his aunt or mom.

This is our living room. Sorta.

So we have a microwave, fridge and kettle. Close enough meme. :p

Kitchen sink and trashcan, yo..

Our toilet which is bigger than the one I have at home. (Still, the one at home is much, much nicer.)

More sinks, and oh, look, that's me.

Broken cupboards and plates, cutlery and cups. Yayer.

I hearby proclaim this as "Ann-Marie's couch", LOL.

For obvious reasons, I will seperate my "work" life and "social" life.(whut talking you social life I kid you LOL) Why? Because it's too damn long. HAHAHAH. Okay. Will have to find the time to blog more often, but there you go, Day 1 Work and Home… complete. :p

P/S: I miss my mum. HOUSE, Y U NO CLEAN

Midnight rendezvous

2011-12-07T02:10:00.000+08:00

Not to sound like a wise guy but in case you didn’t know, rendezvous is pronounced as ron-day-voo. Learnt it from E! Entertainment, who says you don’t learn anything from that channel! :p

WEBCAMS ROCK!

*jakun faces*

Omg I feel dumb cause I cut my fringe a few weeks ago like super short. Dunno how to estimate. Lame sia!

Jakun like anything wear specs in the late evening with no sun hahaha!

You can get this app HERE if you have chrome. :)
(Might work on other browsers too. Not sure. LOL)

***************

1 hour and 18 minutes (not including Twitter, Facebook chat and trying to get Skype to work LOL)

It isn’t some randomly hot Armenian Swedish dude or Tunisian that I met online (BAHAHAHAHA) but it’s none other than *drum roll* TELUK INTAN-IAN, CHENG JU MEI.

Damn pretty right!

Wahrao emo face hahahaha

ANGELINA JOLIE!

Don’t really know what I’m saying now hahaha. Omg Ju Mei I hope your voice isn’t that feminine in real life, ok. You told me your like damn cho lor some more. DID YOU LIE TO ME? >(

She makes me so excited about KL hahaha .We’re gonna troll Omegle together, share clothes (if we happen to fit so far so good same size haha wtf), eat A LOT, hunt for Hello Kitty glasses and other random items. LOL. Fun Fun Fun Fun looking forward to the next few months. :D

Practically stayed online the whole day. Backache, and I’m going to bed. Shall wake up in a few hours to wrap my text books and return them. RAWR.

P/S: Pray that Ju Mei gets to defer first batch NS.
Cause 2 weeks isn’t enough. Thanks. :D

Goodbye, SPM.

2011-12-06T00:03:00.000+08:00

All the sleepless nights, as in, trying very hard not to fall asleep. All the nights where I wondered where the heck was my brain and attention span for the past two years. All the nights where I panicked and endlessly tried to calm myself down because it’s useless to panic. All the nights where I had convos with Jesus and bargaining with him about my results and what I’d be happy with (I know it doesn’t work that way…). All the nights worrying that I might trip up during the exams and fail, and if worse, make my parents depressed enough to disown me hahaha (there are worst consequences, trust me)

Goodbye SPM. Today was my last paper, and thank you for partially screwing me over, I’ll always be eternally grateful!

Now we all wait for the results… and frankly, I’m not going to worry about it too much. What’s done is done: if it’s good, it’s good. If it’s not… well, it’s not the end of the world, is it!

For now….?

(I freaking made this with plum candy hahah)

No more sleepless nights and screwed up sleeping schedules. :) Sadly this is the part I seem to be the most excited about. I didn’t jump up and down like a hooligan the moment the Accounts paper ended, I didn’t cry thinking about how high school life practically flew by in the blink of an eye, and I didn’t have a transcending epiphany on what I’d do post high school.

Which makes me feel a tad useless right now.

But screw that thought right now, because I’m going to hibernate for the next three days. See you when I’m awake. :)

P/S: An ending is never sad unless it’s for forever. LOL

You can say what you want.

2011-12-03T22:45:00.000+08:00

People will always find a reason to dislike you and put you down.

“An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind” – Buddha

Where did this post go? I don’t know. To a galaxy, far, far away, called Trash Planet. I was just trash talking (in the most literal sense) hahah and it was bugging me the entire time while I was studying that my long-ass essay about two-faced, back-stabbing, insincere people whom I was privileged enough to call my ‘friends’ would be in cyberspace forever.

No, thank you.

I should get a degree in psychology or something first before I start analyzing people like that psh!

This is how our conversation has been carrying on ever since I deleted him from facebook. Like dude, not cool.

******************************

8. The Chinese equivalent of luck lol.

Wishing myself (HAHA) and the numerous other friends who still have exam papers to go. Y’all are gonna need it! Teeheeeee. :D Can’t wait till I’m figuratively free. (:

P/S: Did I make a point? Because I don’t care what you think.
I cared this much only because it hurt me before.

Oh, hello.

2011-12-01T21:23:00.000+08:00

I have the best dad in the world. And not because he buys me nice things ok. If like that means Bill Gates is the best father in the world. But no. Ok. It’s mine. HAHAHAH.

*incoherent*

This was my laptop.

Like lolwhut. The joint cracked so the laptop couldn’t actually stand on it’s own.

This is what happened when I tried to straighten it.

Omg 9gag rocks wei. On a side note I actually had to prop up my laptop with a pillow so that the screen wouldn’t fall over. Epic fail face.

THIS LAPTOP SO COOL WEI. LIKE IPAD. COOL SIA.

Okay so, no. Thank you dad for my brand new laptop hahah. *laughs all the way to the imaginary bank*

Best part? I now have a webcam hahahah. SKYPE, ANYBODY? No just kidding. I don’t skype with creepers lol. :D

******************************************************

Sometimes I wonder why I bother even thinking about you guys.

Did you guys conspire behind my back to boycott me and never speak to me again?

Or did you guys suddenly wake up one morning and all of a sudden decided that you didn’t want to be my friend like, ever again?

Is there some kind of super secret Chinese DSLR toting club that I am soooo not aware of?

Oh my god what did I do wrong lah! What! Tell me! I’m dying to know! Why are you all planning outings without me? Why do you act as if I don’t exist? Why? Why? Why?!?!?!?!?!

Okay seriously if I gave a shit about what you think, I would be completely obsessed with hanging out with you guys and being like all buddy buddy with you.

But seriously, just, no. I’m just sad because I thought that we were friends. Not sure if you even know that word means. But it sure as hell isn’t what you’re being now. I remember how we used to hang out and act silly. Or just be plain friendly.

Now that we’re no longer er, working together (so official sounding) on the school magazine, which has already been published FYI, so we can’t be friends also?

Honestly I think it started long before that hahah.

No, I don’t think that all of you suddenly woke up one morning and started hating me. But really… I don’t care if you care to be friends with me.

*vomits blood*

I’m not with the most ‘famous’ group of people in our form but who gives a shit. They’re awesome people anyway. CEPUMAS. :)

P/S: I have one more subject to go TEEHEEEEEEE

#5: The Hiatus

2011-10-27T00:36:00.000+08:00

18 days.

Will NOT be using my laptop anymore, until the end of SPM. You'd be surprised at how many hours I've wasted away in the darkness, as my face is lit up by the laptop screen. Enough is enough.

Studies first. My future awaits :P

It sucks not getting to do a lot of things but I'm blessed enough to have my parents allow me to still drive and go out. Don't lock me at home, I'll go raving mad, Dad! :P

I can't wait till it's all over! Like seriously, I used to think Form 5's were drama queens and kings for the things they said about how hard it was and how they wished it was all over. Now that I've walked a mile in their shoes, I realize that all they say is true.

Maileh, 18 days!

*pulls up geeky pants and puts on glasses* It's do or die.

Study hard, I'll be in my house tonight. LOL

P/S: My mind is swamped with thoughts, but this saying stuck out from what I read on Twitter: "In order to succeed, your desire for success must overcome your fear of failure." So true, no? :)

nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan

2011-10-25T22:28:00.000+08:00

After 2-3 days of torture (sort of), the WiFi in my house is fixed. Browsing the internet with your phone isn’t that cool when it’s the only way you can do it. Psh. #firstworldproblems. :p

Well with like, 2 Mondays till SPM – thank you for your constant reminders of how close it is, people on Facebook/random relatives/parents of friends – I do admit it’s becoming a little too tangible for my liking. I know it’s not the end if I do fail my SPM, but like my Maths teacher, Cikgu Awanis said, the path to success for those who do well in their SPM is a lot easier (in terms of getting into colleges, getting scholarships, jobs…). As opposed to those who didn’t give a flying poop about the exams or their future, they can succeed as well, but it’s going to be much, much harder.

Why make life unnecessarily harder, possibly wasting the little time we were given on this earth?

So yes. 2 Mondays. Give or take, I’ll end up with around 10 days of actually studying. Minus out sleeping and living, that would give me less than… 72 hours of actually studying. *hyperventilates*

But honestly it’s really scary how 11 years of school is compressed into a single exam that determines your fate from here on out. Like imagine if I fell sick *touch wood* during SPM *throws salt over my shoulder*, thus screwing up all chances of getting straight A+s (positive thinking), wouldn’t it be such a shame?

100% waiver for straight A+ students at a private college which I shall not name.

I can make my life and my parent’s lives a million times easier. Why pay for education when I don’t really know what I want to be, or study about, yet? Logic. :D

On a… side note of sorts, here’s something annoying for all of you. Enjoy! :)

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the Nyan Cat.

Nyan Cat, also known as Pop Tart Cat, is an 8-bit animation depicting a cat with the body of a cherry pop tart flying through outer space.

nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan LOL

So the first time I watched the video, I was like “wtf is this nonsense”. Second time, “Okay… this is lame/such a waste of time!”. Third time onwards, I dissolved into laughter. I’m convinced I’ve lost it a little bit, especially from the look on my dad’s face when I showed him this video and started laughing while singing “NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN”. He’s like… wow is this even funny. What’s wrong with this generation. HAHAHAHA

NYAN CAT,

Y U SO FUNNY?

Sometimes I wonder why I’m so easily amused. Maybe I should just stick my face into a sejarah textbook and hope for the best. Or read more on plasma membranes. Or brains. Ooh…

P/S: Zombies lovez brainzzzz om nom nom nom nom.

See, I was driving round town with a girl I know…

2011-10-21T21:51:00.000+08:00

I passed my driving exams on the 4th of October, and received my license 3 days later. I’ve never actually driven much on my own because my own mother doesn’t trust me (can’t blame her. I am a little reckless sometimes hahahah =.=)

But the point is TODAY, was a magical day. We were supposed to go swimming (explains my weird clothes going out kthx) but it rained super heavy today. Which is lame because rain = no swimming. I thought my mom said we’d take the MyVi (the only car with a P Sticker i.e. the car I’m allowed to drive) but she decided to take her car.

So I took the MyVi alone. *evil cackle*

Actually I like driving alone cause it’s actually really calming, and such a grown-up thing to do. For some strange reason I really, really enjoy like a smooth drive especially if the road is almost deserted with few cars… hahaha.

Dropped my brother off at BM Country Club (yes we are not that ulu ok), and then said to my mom I wanted to go Each-A-Cup. Then like…last minute decided to go fetch Faezah, since all our planned outings have failed. So this is like to make up for all of that nonsense lol.

I realize I really need to learn the shortcuts lol. Keep using the long road until sienzzz :p

Anyway, here is a picture of my oh-so-lovely passenger haha. I really can’t stop talking in front of her. My first non-family passenger! :P

I look weird?

Okay I give up haha.

Fetched her from her house in Alma and headed for Each-A-Cup in Jalan Maju.

The 10th drink on my stamp card: Green Tea Premium Ice Blended with pearl.

Faezah had a Crushed Oreo drink which she compared to Cool Blog. Like, eew, no. Each-A-Cup is better lol

And since we had time, she decided to teach me the art of chess. I’m ashamed to say I don’t really know how to play it haha. I caught the gist of it when I was in Form 3, but not like entirely.

The different stages of gameplay:

The beginning

Somewhere in the middle of the beginning and the end lol :P

This was me getting trashed by the Chess Pro hahah. CHECKMATE. K. *runs off to hide face*

A bathroom mirror picture that annoys the hell out of some people I know but honestly, what is life without bathroom mirror pictures? PSH.

Oh the one thing about Each-A-Cup is that it’s pretty much Chinese dominated (the customer base) so me bringing Faezah there was like bringing an alien into the vicinity lol. I kept imagining a (joke) rusuhan kaum in the works since they all spoke Chinese.

And the boys smoked in the bathroom. Thanks for leaving the scent of cigarettes and smoke in the bathrooms (unisex, I’m afraid), and my jacket stinks thanks to you. *DRAMATIC SIGH*

Fetched my brother, sent Faezah home, and reached home at 7pm. Drove so far and seriously, it’s more tiring than it seems…

But if given the chance I’d do it all over again. Gerak Gempur ended today, and so in a way, we celebrated at Each-A-Cup haha. Kasturi, Y U NO STAY IN BM? So hard to hangout with you. But yep, it was good. It is good.

Pan-duh!

2011-10-19T22:26:00.000+08:00

THIS is a public service announcement brought to you by the pandas. Say no to racism!

**** START ****

A few days ago, some of my friends shared this picture on Facebook:

So I started thinking: wouldn’t it be cool if…

Me: an asian. Obviously. :P

…and let’s just assume I end up marrying and pro-creating* with
a guy** of mixed parentage (Black & White parents)
*just another word for you-know-what, just much, much more polite and child-friendly HA HA HA. :p
**DISCLAIMER: Taylor Lautner’s pictures used for illustration only as it fits into my dreams perfectly haha!

The result…?

Our children would be black, white AND asian… JUST LIKE THE PANDAS!

seriously pandas are so cute T.T

I could even call them… pan-dahs! (exaggerated “dah” HAHA) :D Like, how cool is that? :D

LMAO. Best case scenario. Black, white, asian AND mexican :p

**** END ****

Okay, maybe I *do* spend a little too much time in my head. And not enough with my books.

I REALLY SHOULD SNAP OUT OF IT! Only around 50 days of suffering to go till temporary life-changing freedom!

P/S: Story of my life *points below*

The first one in a long time.

2011-10-17T20:26:00.000+08:00

Hello there!

*waves like mad from behind the computer screen*
Okay this is a lie, I’m not waving at all. I’m just typing. HAHAHAHA.

Despite my hiatus from my blog, I guess I have not lost my awesome lameness at all. It’s a good thing isn’t it? :) I guess nothing much has changed when I moved from my old blog to my new blog, except the header, the layout, and the pictures you’re about to see.

In a way, when I switched blog addresses and revamped my blog layout, new header and all, I was trying to reinvent myself. Kind of like when you change your clothes and hairstyle because it got really old.

I’m not sure why but when I look at my old blog and the posts in it, I feel it does not reflect me today. It reflects me, a few years back, slightly lost, confused and definitely more self-loathing.

Not that I’ve suddenly turned into the biggest self-loving freak on the surface of the earth.

Oh hai.

My studies are… meh. I’m really good at certain subjects. Fairly good at the rest. And I suck at one: ADD MATHS. Sometimes I wonder who decided that it was a brilliant idea to force feed ADDITIONAL mathematics on Malaysian students in general. (read: additional. read: completely unnecessary and can therefore be dropped but not according to my school’s brilliance and logic)

Like seriously, it’s all steps that you have to remember. How to solve a problem: do step 1, step 2 and step 3 in the correct order, and *BAM*, the solution’s in your face!

I hate memorizing so much nonsense that I won’t use in real life. Even the principle of add maths (that the solution to questions should be memorized) is ridiculous. Like in real life, you have a problem with… say, your mother. Do you follow a guidebook, step by step, and voila, happily ever after? No. Because it depends on the situation.

Pfft. :)

Anyway, earlier I mentioned that the pictures you’re about to see will be different because…

…I bought a Canon G12! Yes, THE Canon G12 that I wanted *evil laughter resonates in the background*

I love it so much but I think I have butter fingers or what, I banged it against a table twice since I bought it in early September wtf. I’m good with technology but kinda suck when it comes to maintaining it like how it was originally made lolol.

Personally the hype of having one has warned off after over a month lol, so yeah, dear friends (the real ones that I talk to often enough), guess you don’t have to hear me ramble about taking awesome pictures with this camera anymore lol.

Because it’s kind of a common occurence *cough cough cough*

Exhibit A:
Focus.

Focusing on the furry sock.

Focused on the black rubber band in the foreground. :)

Exhibit B:
The blurry thing that DSLRs do!

I used to eat this thing maybe everyday in kindergarten. Lol. Good times.

Close enough? Took this at around 2 a.m. in my room lol

Okay that’s about it. Although I took like a gazillion (exaggeration, yes) pictures since I’ve bought my camera which has yet to be named, I don’t want to spoil all the fun by stuffing all of it into a single blog post.

Fine, I’m just lazy. You caught me there. :P

So there you go, my very first blog update here. Despite my having exams tomorrow. Despite the fact that I can barely keep my eyes open. Some things never change, lol.

P/S: I spent the afternoon studying my butt off. LOLJK, I was on Facebook. :)

It's a four-letter word denoting foulness.

2011-09-17T01:23:00.015+08:00

Yes I'm talking about....

CRAP.

You know how it is.

I had the biggest crush on you and nobody noticed. LOL. And I told you and you told me that you couldn't bear to break girls' hearts (what an excuse) by being with someone at the moment.

A long time ago, I stopped blaming myself for being unlikeable. Cause screw this, one day, ONE DAY, I JUST KNOW IT, I'll meet the one person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Everyone else will be irrelevant.

When I quit crushing on you everyone's like EH YOU GUYS WOULD MAKE A GOOD COUPLE. Oh yeah. in the middle of trials. Before SPM kan. Perfect timing.

Then came these epic words from my mouth that I'll never forget:

"I liked him......

before I knew who he was."

Love at first sight is common enough, and trust me that's how we "love" celebrities, and "love" hot guys and girls. We don't know what they're really like, how they hold their own in conversations and all that no?

But I digress, I've seen enough Damian McGinty interview videos to know his laugh, accent and gorgeous smile. LOL.

Then again.... it's all fiction. I can't wait when it becomes real and so palpable that I'll never want anything more than what I'll have.

Until then, I'll settle for being friends with you. :P

Like, srsly?

2011-09-16T15:54:00.000+08:00

Yes, I'm serious.

So I was minding my own beeswax on facebook, and decided that I should do some spring cleaning on my friendlist (I do it regularly now LOL before it gets out of control)

I added these people from a nearby secondary school, well actually, I accepted their requests, and didn't block anything on my profile from them cause they had thousands of friends and seemed harmless.

Two days later, checked their profile again (status updates = stalking time, you see) and lo and behold, they block me from seeing their info, their tagged pics, posting on their wall, the whole shebang.

LIKE SRSLY AH? Nonsense. So I deleted them lah. Blog also private, Twitter also private. Nonsense. Let's be friends, but let's never communicate, EVER! :D

One of the many reasons why I'm super cautious about friend requests now. I'd like to have people I either 1. know. 2. enjoy stalking or 3. have an obligation to have as 'friends'.

A combination of all of the above, is of course, lovely, but really... nonsense lah. So like if you do pull that kind of shit on me, and I delete you, please don't bother sending me friend requests. If you did really want to be friends, I should be honest with you: it's nonsense to add someone and block them without instigation. Maybe you just wanted me on your friend list without me being able to see your profile? Well puhleease. Off you go now, buh bye, I won't miss you.

And one more thing that gets on my nerve is bowls (a.k.a. mangkuks) who add like 30 people each time they log on to facebook because they don't give a damn, and get all whiney and bitchy whenever some creepy stalker guy THAT THEY ACCEPTED posts a weird comment/wallpost. Uhuh, right, so..... that's just crap. I know you're like beautiful *flips hair* famous *flips hair again* and the lust of possibly every guy on the face of the earth but moments like that make me want to slit your throat and hang you upside down.

Oh how violent I can be.

I guess I have a lot of anger dwelling in me. Plus the stress from trials. RAWR.

Can't wait till it's all over. Sort of.

HAPPY MALAYSIA DAY ;D

Blessed

2011-09-08T23:19:00.000+08:00

1. For having the wonderful people at Stuff@School (the moderators AND fellow journalists COUGH COUGH)

2. For being the lucky 16 bestowed with the coveted internship (: DECEMBER, BABY!

3. For having crazy, whackjobs that I call my friends who make me laugh and make life/school a whole lot more bearable.

4. For the future that is in my hands; and I sure as hell do not want to go into some formalized field where it’s all study exam study exam study exam. I love non-routines, realizations (the good kind) and all the nonsensical stuff that is life… and stuffy education suffocates me :P

5. For the gift/gifts I THINK I’m somehow lucky enough to be blessed with. I guess I’m supposed to do something great with them, huh?

I am indeed, truly, blessed. I mentally whack myself in the head whenever I complain, but it' comes out of my mouth before I even manage to keep it down. *rubs temples*

Trials. Doom. Looming. 3 days. Save me?

Holy mama!

2011-09-07T16:55:00.000+08:00

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

That may be true, but you can sure as hell pick which chocolate you’re gonna pick up.

Will you go for something nutty? Or something safe and just pure chocolate? Do you go for white chocolate, regular chocolate or dark chocolate? Or do you throw tons of nuts and berries into the mix?

This sounds silly, talking about chocolate, but I’m pretty sture “for every action there is a reaction”.

You choose not to study, you fail. (Unless you’re lucky, born with some form of unnatural intelligence and the like.)

You choose to study…nonchalantly, you’d pass by a hair.

You study hard, burying your nose in your book for hours on end, supposedly coming up with magical study formulas *nudge nudge smartest guy in the whole form*… and you magically become the smartest guy in the whole form.

This trial exams, I don’t have the heart to kill my social life and strive for first place (it’s already taken :P). I just want that elusive string of Straight A’s (minus is fine by me) BECAUSE I’m worthy of it (who am I kidding?) BUT SERIOUSLY. I can do all things through Christ. I can do all things when I strive and focus.

And sure as hell (or heaven :P) I’d rather have the best of both worlds than be a socially inept know-it-all.

Just saying (:

Realization

2011-09-04T10:32:00.000+08:00

I don't trust anyone enough to respond without pissing me off.

I have mountainous problems with myself and my parents and I take it to my blog to air it.

If you don't like it then just screw off and don't tell me what you think or whatever. The world isn't fair. Boohoo.

With school reopening and trials looming I doubt my mood will ever improve so whatever.

*pointless*

If only life wa a tv show and there was a guaranteed happy ending where all the bad guys mysteriously lost their power despite wielding large guns, and somehow families are always happy and chummy with each other.

I miss being a kid. Having an excuse to cry in public without feeling like the biggest fool on earth lol. Andddd I probably thought that life was a bucketful of rainbows and sunshine. Bly, was I wrong or what.... LOL :/

Losing my faith

2011-09-04T10:24:00.000+08:00

I think that it is absolutely ridiculous and absurd, what is going on with me. Like, I bluntly admit to despising two faced people - up until the point where I realized that nearly everyone is two faced.

Such is the screwed up place that we live in that everyone does things for their own benefit most of the time... But before you throw apples at me, yelling so that I'd get off my moral high horse, just put a sock in it.

Like my parents, for example. They're like ooh chummy chummy with other people and their kids, but with us they just screw all niceties and do not hesitate whatsoever to insult withou giving a flying poop about how we/I feel.

Another example would be my darling godparents. Oh they are the nicest people on earth (not exactly, but high up on the list.) but the way they talk about other people (who by the way do not like to be talked about) to people, is really damn annoying. If you had good intentions you wouldn't air other people's laundry in public, right?

Agh. I'm this huge bundle of nerves, and I'm so pissed beyond words. You call me selfish but when you asked me to do that, did you explain why you needed me to do it? Oh of course you didn't! I'm like... Telepathic right? I'm supposed to know right.

Here it is: fuck my life.

I just wish my parents could understand me, instead of constantly putting me down. Kthxbai

That's It, I Quit.

2011-09-02T20:26:00.000+08:00

I don't give a shit anymore.

Why can't I just get along with my mom?

Conversations always go like this.

Me: *explains something*
Her: NO.

O...kay. So why do you expect me to tell you anything when I know damn well that you're just going to say no and all that? I think you're being so crazy unreasonable and blinded by your lack of trust for me. Which by the way, just makes me want to stab myself.

When I go out with my friends, do you think I ACTUALLY PLAN to sneak out with one guy and do whatever nonsense that goes through your mind? LIKE WHUT. I'm not crazy.

Shooting myself in the foot here by saying this, but I really really wish you could just.... chill. Out of all the days that I've gone out, I have not once imposed on you. All the transport, my friends have arranged for me. Or dad'll fetch me. And yet... you act as though every day out of the 9 days of vacation, I have DEMANDED that you fetch me to PENANG ISLAND and dutifully WAIT FOR ME THERE as I shop with my friends.

Tell me, was there such a thing?

NO.

So what's it to you? Why can't you just STOP YELLING AT ME, and MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I WOULD RATHER HATE YOU?! I just want a freaking sense of normalcy in my life and frankly, I hate fighting. But you leave me no choice.

I asked you nicely, and all you did was yell at me. Yes sure, bottle up your feelings and explode in my face all at once. What a familiar scene.

PLEASE LAH.

I once remembered saying I'd rather commit suicide (because murder is punishable by law) and it's all coming back to me now why I harboured those thoughts. I just wish....I could talk to you. Like how my friends talk to their moms. I don't even expect you to be cool and all that, I just wish... you'd understand. Know me well enough to know that I won't screw up my life and throw away everything I'll ever have. And that when I talk to you, it matters to me.

I just wish... you'd understand.

It's hard to even try to make you understand when you don't even care enough to listen, and choose to interject at every sentence to offer your "comments" which are, by the way, more demeaning than anything.

I know it's unfair to say all of this, but it's the only way I'll ever get heard.

I had only one wish as long as I can remember: for you to just be understanding and know me, when I don't know myself. Too much to ask? Maybe. But I'd rather have someone try and fail, rather than have a shouting match with you because you don't know how to just listen to me.

I'm screaming for help.

If you don't listen (like you have been doing all these years, shutting me out, that is) soon enough I'll find something, or someone out there who will. It won't be a pretty sight. It's not a threat, it's just been proven. I'm not trying to act like OH I HAVE FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS, MY LIFE IS TERRIBLE, but frankly, it is. Is it like, so hard to just...sit and hear me out, and when I ask you for something (ie a ride SOMEWHERE near), it's because it's insane to impose on others and I've been trying my hardest NOT to impose on you?

"Oh I wish I could tell somebody
But there's no one to talk to
Nobody knows."

Sounds like a desperate plea more than anything. I won't even stoop to saying that I wish you'd be dead, but when you're still alive, I don't want to give up on... a relationship a person is supposed to have with their parents. In this screwed up world where divorce rates are skyrocketing and people aren't even married when they have a brood of children, I'm glad my mum and dad are still together.

If I wish upon a star, will it be magically okay and I'll get the relationship I've always wanted?

~~No, forget it, because dreams don't come true.~~

Saying what’s up to my cup (:

2011-08-30T23:56:00.001+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya & Happy Independence Day, Malaysia :)

Random graphs that make you go #storyofmylife. Or laugh. LAUGH, I SAID, LAUGH :P

P/s: My holidays have been so unproductive, that I feel like a big #failure.

My heart’s a stereo--

2011-08-29T23:01:00.000+08:00

I think I lost my MP3 player &$*@)#(!!!!

Oh the irony of the situation.

My current obsession is…? A Canon G12.

*drool* this is the only camera I may ever possibly ever want (non DSLR).

The only reason why I gave up the notion of an actual DSLR is because 1. I’m SEVEN-FREAKING-TEEN which means that if I wanted lens/upgrades I would have to fork out money which I would not have after buying a DSLR. 2. I would not be able to take good photos of myself. For real. 3. DSLRs are bulky and heavy and as much as I’m into photography I’ll get tired of it :/

This camera (RRP: RM1899) is now going for RM1599, with case, 8GB memory card, 2 years warranty and tripod stand. WHUT WHUT.

And can take chio photos of yourself also.

Also it’s like a fool proof digital camera for all your lazy moments. And can turn into an almost DSLR thingy when you feel like it.

This is not an advert, I’m just in love with this camera. Why won’t my dad let me get one *whines* #firstworldproblems.

I even added the company on facebook. AND AH. They said they reserved one for me at their AutoCity booth (true or not, I’ll never know…) BUT BUT BUT I hope my parents let me buy. Because it’s awesome. *crosses fingers*

Okay truth be told even if they don’t allow I have till 4th of September to fully exercise my schemingness and get myself the camera when it’s still worth it >.>

PLEASE LAH *desperate face*

I REALLY REALLY WANT THIS.

WHAT HAVE I GOT TO PROVE TO YOU?! :(

*emo*

As if my dad will ever read this…but I’m just putting it out there.

I WANT THIS MORE THAN I WANT MY OWN LAPTOP ATM. Haha #fail no laptop how to upload nice pics if I get the camera. LOLZ.

Okieee shutting up now. :/

Also if I’m getting a new camera I’m getting a new blog address and starting anew. Cause with chio-er pics and a better writing style I’ll take over the blogging world *snorts* one word at a time *double snorts* I’m getting lamer by the minute. (:

Infamous last words: CANON G12, YOU ARE MINE. <3

You know how it is.

2011-08-28T22:53:00.000+08:00

I read my old diary and kept thinking about how immature I was (still am?) and how the smallest things in life can be magnified by a thousand-fold.

Like how I was obsessed about liking guys. LIKE WHUTTTT?! Like seriously the first…10 pages of my diary was probably dedicated to liking guys, hating guys, comparing guys, hating girls who liked the guys I liked at the same time, and the like. It’s kind of sad actually.

BUT. I can’t deny how appealing a love life can be.

Just not right now. Maybe sometimes I wished I had someone to obsess about day and night, but that someone in real life I’ve pretty much given up on now. I give up because I know there isn’t hope. So put a sock in it.

Oh and how I hated people that I love now, and loved and craved for the attention of the very people I don’t even give a flying poop about right now.

I sit here thinking, why, why am I so shallow?

Is it because I have no life (very possible) or is because I’ve been deprived of things I thought I wanted but didn’t really need etc etc

Don’t know what I’m talking about LOLZ.

But reading back my diary, and looking at where I am today, I have changed, though some parts will always remain with me forever. Especially that crazy obnoxious part of me that has a stupid sense of humour, but it’s okay, I’ll live with it.

Dear Life:

2011-08-12T22:21:00.001+08:00

That awkward moment when you feel like you have to be superhuman.

#trollface. I wrote this really long poem-ish rant about life when my eyes started flooding (with tears, what else) that I realized it was all getting a little too personal.

I just wanted to be friends with the two most awesome people that I know, and have come to know, but the fear of being shoved aside and left to die is what pushed me to stop talking to you guys. Irrational fear, I know. But I just hate… getting rejected and all that nonsense. Why can’t things just be simple and well… it’s clear how everybody feels for each other?

UGH. And yes I’m talking about girls.

WHAIIII *dramatic face*

Really, I think I have no life. It’s either, facebook, co-curricular activities (magazine work included), Starstruck!, slacking off, pretending to study, or actually studying. That isn’t really a life, is it.

I don’t PARTICULARLY like being alone, but I guess I’m used to it. It sucks, I know. 10 years from now I’ll look back and see myself as that emo, overdramatic, overweight kid that never really got anywhere from all that ranting. SIGH

Current State Of The Union

IN
Growing old
Assignment 9 *squeals*
Getting praised for Assignment 8
*teehee. Credits to Michael Teoh for his work and cooperation (:*
Magazine work
Attempting to live

OUT
Pretending to have many years ahead of me
Feeling like I suck at writing
Friendships that were supposed to last forever
Slacking off
Feeling like I’m dying

I’m going to treat myself to a cup of starbucks (java chip, anybody?), relax, and get my work on tomorrow. Because if I don’t get the deadlines out of the way, I’ll never find the time to study. Until then, I shall attempt to sleep and rest up.

P/S: I’m an idiot. Why can’t we just be friends? Am I asking for too much?

The good life.

2011-08-10T23:14:00.001+08:00

We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years.

As much as I absolutely abhor the Malaysian education system and the way it makes me feel so stupid for failing or coming extremely close to it; or for even considering something other than the science/arts stream, I’m sad to have to admit that SPM trials are about a month away, and the actual exams about 90 plus days away… *shudders*. I think the main reason WHY I’ve been slacking off like nobody’s business is because I’m so very convinced that getting straight A’s isn’t everything.

So, why is everyone acting like it is? Teacher’s making it sound like the biggest deal when you don’t, your classmates cracking their knuckles and sweating over practice tests, and actually scoring in exams when they haven’t been before.

Frankly it’s scaring the crap out of me that I could sleep so well and not bothered at all during my monthly exam. I had come to a point where I knew that I could still live, breathe and survive if I had failed my SPM… and I had taken my studies way too lightly.

Can I go back to January and do-over this entire year?

Today Collin was doing Add Maths questions and I couldn’t even complete 3 out of the 10 there under the indices and logarithm chapter. Not only am I rusty, I’m practically a newbie at Add Maths now.

So yes, this has got to stop. I’m going to stop slacking because I know damn well that I’m better than this, that I’m capable and perhaps brighter than half the student population in my school, and I should be going all out now that I’m this close.

I will convince myself to study, and ‘fall in love’ with studying.

I’m comforting myself with the thought that if I don’t screw up my SPM and actually see a row of A’s there, I could get into colleges with relative ease, and maybe even with scholarships if I’m lucky.

For now, I’ll have to get over my abhorrence for the ridiculous things I have to study in school that will probably never be used again, and of course particularly the retardity that is my Bio teacher and her excellent teaching methods. And when I say excellent I mean so stupid that I feel like slapping her head with a foam finger each time she begins to teach.

And now that it’s August I realize she’s still the only teacher I truly despise as she is the only one who puts in no effort into her lessons (LCD projector and government-CD learning module, anyone?) and she is supposed to have the most interesting subject to work with. Yet, she manages to throw it all away by turning it into the driest, Bahasa-based lesson that has ever been invented on the face of the earth.

She is also the only teacher to openly call her students stupid for asking questions in regards to the exam paper, like hello. I was wrong and that is the only reason that I will ever go to you for anything but noooo you’re asking me to study and get the answer myself. ^$#&^*@#

I’m still fuming over how retarded her ways are, but yes, I will stop ranting… now.

It’s been a good year, in fact, it’s been a good life. I’ve been blessed, and above all, extremely, magically lucky. And now it’s time for me to pay my dues and study my butt off.

Ann-Marie’s Current State Of The Union
Because The Clique girls will always have a special place in my heart :P

IN
Studying my butt off
Singing again!
Awesome people
Action Plan
SPM

OUT
Slacking off
Sore throats
People who suck at love
Regrets
Starstruck! :(

Random pretty picture taken by yours truly :)

Wait, that was fun! I think I’ll make this a permanent feature in my blog lol the current state of the union ;P

Mad people talking to themselves ahahah. Anyway I’m going to go clean out my computer and act like a computer geek while I’m transferring files to my external hard drive. :P

That’s all. Hopefully I don’t collapse from EBS (Excessive brain stuffing/bullshit) HAHAHA.

I’d much rather be somewhere with you.

2011-07-25T23:57:00.001+08:00

During some random outing (dunch and linner!) with BooNoob Keong & Zickry Son Of Trumpet :D

I am currently in the midst of St. Anne’s Feast and I lost my voice (surprise, surprise) I’d be REALLY surprised if I didn’t, but hey. I really don’t get why my voice is ridiculously weak, and I have the tendency to lose it at crucial moments (off the top of my head, the most memorable ones: every St. Anne’s since I started singing in the choir, choral speaking nationals in primary school, and… yeah that’s about it. LOL)

I’m glad I slept for 12 hours last night instead of attending ~~bloody~~ school because I feel really well rested today. :)

As usual I have a lot on my plate, but all of it was brought upon myself…intentionally, go figure.

Actually I’ve drafted out a lot of blog posts in my head… on friendship, 10 reasons why I don’t belong, insecurities, people that I currently hate for good reason, awesome things that have happened in my life (!!!), my faith, and much much more, but somehow when I power up my laptop, every pretense of blogging flies out the window as I procrastinate.

Look, I just did it again :)

I treat my blog like a diary, cause that’s what it started out as. But as I progressed, and with more than a few people saying that they read my blog, I start getting afraid.

Not of insulting people, no, I usually say it as it is (ouch) but of hurting people, especially the people that I care about a lot. Sometimes we get angry at people, and say things in the heat of the moment (or the heat of a blog) but there’s a huge difference. Words uttered in real life may be forgotten, but words typed out in a blog post are forever immortalized.

As much as I have loved blogging and saying whatever came to mind with no regards for anyone else, I have been incredibly selfish, and that is the main reason for my lack of updates.

I always think twice before opening Windows Live Writer, because 1. blogging is really time consuming and 2. I may say things that are pure nonsense ‘because it’s my blog’.

I’m really tired, and I really should rest up, because sleep looks like it’s optional for the near future.

*clears throat*

Why is SPM so hard? When it’s all about memorizing? Why can’t I be awesome at memorizing stuff (especially add maths stuff)? Why is it that my goal of straight A’s seem so distant? Why can’t life just be simple and carefree? Why do I have so many stupid exams and ridiculous ‘disciplinary rules’ that cramp my style CAUSE THEY’RE ALL RIDICULOUS?

Why, why why?

Because I’m destined for greatness. For greater things than being a mathematic prodigy and going cuckoo in college. Than being that one-off great that scores 21A’s in SPM but doesn’t get far in life. I’m destined to be greater, and to be able to initiate change.

That’s what I tell myself anyway. That I’m awesome, and don’t have enough head space for all that memorizing lol. But yeah…till then… I’d have to hit the books. (resounding jeers and boos) LOL

Two pictures that I came across and thought they were funny. COUGH. I have no sense of humour on paper, sorry.

Epic blur photo taken by Shaun at a cinema in Kulim. Featuring Jonathan, Samantha, Brozer Deacon Martin, Sarah and myself. :)

SHAUNNN. Lol.

I think it’s really funny how I operated when it came to guys, from when I was 11-12, or maybe even 13. It seemed so simple then: liking a guy, and hoping he likes me back. But now, I not only have to factor in possible parental approval (as if I’m ever getting a boyfriend now =.=) I also have to care about my education, HIS education and above all, our uncertain future.

Why date if you have no intention to marry? Why play with someone’s feelings if you’re not sure?

I’m just curious as to how relationships function, because seriously, is being crazy about that person or just caring about them enough to sustain you? What is love? I used to be so sure, but now I’m not anymore. It’s really more complicated than it should be, and while there are times where I just want to blurt out “I REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU”, I worry about if you’ll like me back (the negative would be like throwing a rock on my head) Or if we’ll ever be friends after this (whatever your response is), and more importantly, if anything will happen from there…?

Mom, dad, if you’re reading this, no, no guy is crazy enough to like me yet. And sadly I have crazy high standards. If I get a boyfriend, trust me, I’ll be old enough and he’ll come and meet you (if he’s local LOLOLOL big dreams)

Okay shutting up now. It’s really hard to spend half your day standing around someone you’re crushing on, and wondering if he likes you back, but is too afraid to confess to because you know he’s worried about your education and future. For some reason this selflessness bugs me to death. I like people who can be a little selfish at times (like me. jual ikan.) LOL.

What happened to shutting up, Ann?

*sigh*

One last thing before I go; I’m really really grateful for all the awesome friends God has given me. And how through time he has helped me see, who are the ones that will stick up for me, and the ones that will beat me down once given the chance.

And despite the racist comments I make, I’m glad to say, my friends don’t only revolve around one race. I’m truly blessed, to be Malaysian, not the kind that the politicians are using to their advantage, but the true Malaysian spirit-kind. :)

P/S: Life is good. Despite it all.

Here we go again, I kinda want to be more than friends.

2011-07-21T00:35:00.001+08:00

There are days where I wish the hours would slip away till I can go back to bed again. Or if time would stand still while I get my tasks done. Or if we could survive 24 hours without going to bed, getting all the work/studying done and another 24 hours of frozen time to sleep.

~~There are days where I wish I wasn’t alone~~

Taylor Freakin’ Lautner.

I used to be so obsessed with his body. And his face. LOL. This is coming from an advocate of looks-aren’t-everything, but seriously… I thought I got over him, but when I saw this picture again, I got reminded about how I love the way he looks. Like the way his piercing eyes seem to be looking at you. *sighs*

A part of me is convinced that I’ll be #foreveralone. Case in point:

Story of my life. :(

My current relationship status:
❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ No one likes me

And then there are the times where I really have nothing better to do. I.e. procrastinating till the world ends.

Image below stolen from Sue Yi’s blog. LOL. I liked it because the first three words I found were epic, bad, and funny. Which is a REALLY accurate description of me :)

If you haven’t realized it yet, this is actually a pointless post. While everyone else is busy studying/sleeping I’m… blogging about nonsense. It’s been awhile. :P

Oh wait, hey guys, meet Ellora, my homie from Sarawak. We’re planning to get the internship, move in together, and do a lot of fun things like rock climbing, work out, and be a total cheapo (me)/ blow all her cash on shopping in KL (her) LOL. :D

You know that moment when two people are pretty much different and all, and yet the same? Yep, that’s what I felt with her. We could talk about anything… and although we are different, we share a lot of common ground, which is good.

She’s someone I could totally live with :P Let’s just hope the feeling is mutual ~~HAHA~~

Skype Dates <3

I think I’ll leave my ranting for another day. HEH. Ending with a quote courtesy of Will Smith:

When things get dirty…

2011-07-14T23:39:00.001+08:00

So I get upset over the future of my country. The Bersih rally, the way the bigshot politicians are ‘covering it up’.

It’s not about politics (cause trust me, if it was, I’d talk about it a LOT more)

I’m just a “kid” – inverted commas, because age isn’t anything but a measure of time we’ve spent on the face of the earth. it is by no means a measure of maturity.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about our country and it’s future.

“THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR IGNORANCE.”

What say you? Are you one of those people who don’t want to care (by choice!)?

It’s about time you get your head out of the ground and take notice of what’s happening. It won’t be long before the country is inherited to you, in whatever state it is. So why shouldn’t you care?

I’m not asking you to join anything, no political party or NGO, or whatever, I’m just another citizen who happens to care about this country, with every intention of leaving it once given the chance. Why do I even care to care, then?? Because: this will always and forever be the place that I grew up and have come to love (and possibly not be able to leave *gulp* but banish those evil thoughts, ay!)

So I’m just a kid. And I care. What do I do now?

Do I just sit back, and watch people tear it apart? Do I just sit back and accept injustice? More importantly, do I just sit back and watch as people continue being ignorant, making ignorant comments - ‘jokes’ if you must, but they’re not funny at all – and not giving a damn about our country?

I’m not old enough to vote. But when the time comes you know I’ll sure as hell make it count. As for you, the older people, who already can, the choice is obviously in your hands. STOP MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES. If they’re unwilling to change, it’s up to you to CHANGE THEM.

It’s terribly sad when my own close friends are ignorant about this? Having no backbone or stand on this? I didn’t ask you to ‘get involved’, or join anything. Just have a…stand. That’s too much to ask for in friends, nowadays, is it? Sorry for the ‘disrespect’… this is exactly why we can’t be friends. I can’t tolerate ignorance, I really really wish I could. I need to learn how to. But until then, it’s best if we keep away from each other, else I’d say something I regret. More than I already have, anyway.

And damn. On a side note. All my promises of keeping things simple and uncomplicated and non-competition flew out the window. Scrabble tomorrow. Mighty Minds on Saturday. Piano exams next week Friday. St. Anne’s Feast after that. Monthly tests…

I wish I could call myself an over-achiever but since I’m under-achieving as of now… The busy under-achiever, can? LOL blame it on my added self-faith. “I’m smart. I’m awesome. I’ll be okay.”

You cannot study last minute anymore, Ann-Marie, unless you plan to fail your SPM, ok?

Haven’t been updating cause I’ve been busy, and life’s good but it’s been hell-ish. I still suck at time management by the way, but I’m working on it. I wish I didn’t have to sleep, I’d get twice as much done ;p

I need to stop promising to update. So here’s to updating when I’m free enough to bother photo bombing my next blogpost. (:

(ONE MONTH PLUS SINCE MY LAST UPDATE. RECORD OF THE CENTURY MAN!!!)

P/S: If only we didn’t know each other, you’d be happier.

New (Half) Year Resolution!

2011-06-11T20:53:00.001+08:00

Actually these holidays have been such a blast but yeah. My arms are aching, eyes are sore, and whatnot. But frankly, best holidays ever. (Only this coming December has the potential to beat this holidays so we’ll see how it goes, eh?)

I don’t regret this holidays AT ALL. I’ve learnt so much, met so many people (on both ends of the awesome spectrum, but luckily, more towards the Crickets side – which is dayummmm awesome ok. :D), done so many things and discovered that

But anyway yeah. If I really want to have it all, I need to get my act together. And frankly my time management skills are completely sucky and will NOT get me anywhere. HAHA. So yes. I will be a better person cough *choke* cough

And yes I’m too lazy to blog about all that right now (in a few days when I’m not so crazy busy trying to juggle multiple deadlines) so I’m just gonna type out whatever’s on my mind since the last few days. :P

My new half-year resolution(s) because I’m awesome like that.

To cut my procrastination time by half
Well I’m going to stop tumblr, twitter (only on weekends to spam and stalk :P), formspring (I never really started), and Restaurant City. And a multitude of time-sucking iPhone apps as well. Only turn on my laptop after tuition/at night, reduce time watching TV, and actually sit my butt down to do my homework. Like they say, if you want something, you’ll have to go for it. Lol. :P
To be more… receptive to other people
I’m the kind of person who either likes you or I don’t. I judge pretty quickly and that’s probably one of my biggest problems. I’d want people to consider me as having more depth than whatever I appear to be (must be pretty shallow when I’m talking nonsense and thinking about songs like Party Rock Anthem lmao)
To commit myself to working out and eating right
Like the camp. And rock climbing. Made me realize that while I may be able to do a lot of things I seriously do not have stamina. I’m literally aching and dying and I’ve been sick for the past what, week? Plus I could stand to lose all that weight. I’m not kidding. Psh besides I’m gonna have to whip Ellora’s butt at rock climbing which is gonna be difficult considering her awesomeness. LOL
To practice my piano every single day even if it kills me
Less than a month to go and I’m still struggling. I CANNOT FAIL.
To only do things (from now on) that will benefit me and my studies
This would EXCLUDE: staying back for no reason, unnecessary activities like hanging out, dumping all my books in one corner of the shelf and making it difficult to even pick one up. Etc etc. SPM. @.@
To actually study weeks in advanced for exams.
This comes back to procrastination actually, but okay. I can be nerdy and geeky when I want, and if I can say so myself I’m actually a smart person. I can study, when I push myself to do it. So why haven’t I done it? Out of laziness. And the notion that there’s a lot of time left. Time is one of the best mental illusions of all time ;p But seriously. I need to start off with my Accounts, Physics and Add Maths if I ever intend to get good results in my SPM.
To pass my undang & misc. driving tests
Like DUDE, my birthday’s in March and I haven’t done much. LIKE SERIOUSLY?! Lol. It’s cause of me being lazy and not bothering to go as well so I should probably do it before I turn old and die
To get my priorities straight
I don’t really know what is important to me, and it’s about time I start thinking about it
To look for my dream college** (both local and overseas)
**That is either affordable or willing to offer waivers/scholarships. Oh and of course find out what I may possibly want to study (by narrowing it down) psh.
To know the difference between being far-sighted and pure day-dreaming
I could give many examples here but frankly they’d all embarrass me to the point of no return so no thank you ;p

Okay that’s about it. So little time so much to do. *heart beats so fast* I think I’ll die tomorrow :S Hopefully I’ll be able to balance out the good and the bad. *cough* ;p

Oh and as of now December is my favourite month. I’m just saying. :)

P/s: It’s possible to feel super close to people you’ve just met. trust me :p

Leavin’ on a jet (train)

2011-05-29T22:21:00.001+08:00

It’s finally(!) the holidays. I’m surprised it came so fast *snort* yes that was sarcasm. After a grueling three-week exam and pretty much messing up a lot of simple things just by giving up, I’m very much glad that it is finally over. FINALLY.

Still worried about my accounts folio, because as the science students are getting extra classes in their own league, I’ll be away for camp and to that Starstruck 40 outing. *sighs* I really don’t want to miss these things but the accounts folio is just a huge guilt trap waiting to trap me (like a huge chunk of cheddar cheese taunting a mouse. yumm.)

But okay. I don’t know how I’ll manage to do my Belanjawan Tunai onwards on my own/with minimal guidance so wish my luck, I guess.

So starting tomorrow up until Saturday, I’ll be gone for a 6-day camp at Broga, Negeri Sembilan.

It’s called DIODE, and you can google it. :P

Will be updating about it when I get back cause it’s good practice, but only after I finish the articles for the event.

Thank you to The Star, the people at Stuff@School and Leaderonomics for giving the four of us (Alicia, myself, Wee Nie and Cassandra) the chance to attend this awesome camp. :)

Can’t wait to meet them either! EEEP! Especially next week where I’ll get to meet the infamous Ellora. LOL. :P

Anyway yes from my blog-stalking abilities I’ve realized how fun (potentially) this camp could be. And I’m really looking forward to playing some form of sports LOLOLOL.

Pray that I will have a safe journey. That’s all I ask of you.

Here are some pictures from today. LOL

Okay what else? Hmm, well I hope I won’t forget to bring anything. LOL. :S

I’ll definitely fall asleep on the train at this rate. Oh well. :)

At a losing end

2011-05-21T22:45:00.000+08:00

Made this draft on the fateful day of the 26th of April 2011. Probably a cursed date since the one thing that I didn’t want to happen repeated itself on the same date lol. Oh well. :) Image credits: Google Images

Nobody (well, nobody in their right minds anyway!) walks into a competition thinking: Oh no, we’re losing today. After all the hard work you put into it, be it numerous sports practices and drills, mock debates, the endless hours of skipping class and staying back after school… I know I’ve never walked into a competition thinking: “Oh, we’re losing today.”

If anything, after all that hard work, I’d consider myself or the school team to be deserving of the title.

If only they gave an ‘A+’ for effort, eh?

But moving on. I suppose people do actually walk into competitions with a “I’ve already lost, so why bother?” mentality. It is understandable if you feel unprepared, or if you feel threatened, but that’s the wonderful part of competitions: the best doesn’t ALWAYS win.

Sometimes, a little extra luck on your side, or loudness *cough* actually, gets you the title.

No hard feelings, of course.

As teachers often say, “kalah menang adat pertandingan.” In every competition, of course, there’ll be a winner, which warrants losers. I suppose this year hasn’t been a year of luck for me. Or us, actually. I don’t walk into competitions thinking I’ll win everything I join, hell no, I’m not naive. But of course, you do expect to lose at some point. You can’t win all the time, and you can’t always get what you want.

For some people, however, winning is everything. They suck up, they turn their noses up at old friends, they act all ridiculously high and mighty and refuse to fraternize with “the enemy”. These people will do anything to win: including step all over your heads and backstab you if the need arises.

Sure, being winners, you can jump around, smile like fools, talk loudly and laugh at inside jokes that nobody else really gets. Winning gives a lot of people a sense of euphoria. I’d say it’s human nature, to be extremely happy at being acknowledged for both the hard work you’ve put into something, and that you’re better than some or all of the people present at a particular place.

I liked winning. It made me feel like I’m worth something. Some people value their worth by their beauty (fail on that part for me) or a beautiful personality (which I can hardly keep up to everyone. Especially the ones who get on my nerve @.@). But seriously. Walking into competitions, half expecting to win, and actually managing to get a placing is just a wonderful feeling. Like all that hard work HAS paid off.

Not being selected for MINDS Malaysia (a science expo thing on green innovation for this year in KL), placing 2nd at the district debate (Again?! D:), watching some of my closest friends lose the drama and bahas competitions… definitely a blow to my/our ego. I’d say that last year was such a mind-blowing year, that it’s hard to live up to such greatness. So of course, this year pales in comparison.

I remember how Beth Cooper (in I Love You, Beth Cooper) says that she’s so worried that the rest of her life will turn out to be just…ordinary. Because her high school life has been amazing and all.

Discipline teachers and teachers who hold grudges (COUGH) aside, my Form 4 year especially, has been mind-blowingly amazing.

Winning competitions last year didn’t seem like such a big deal for me then. I thought luck played a huge role in most of my wins – and I was always grateful for that. At the same time, I received loads of sarcastic remarks and comments (supposed friendly ones) on my participation in so many activities, and was even accused of being a snob.

First thought: Whaaaaat?!

I didn’t really see it. I lived in this pretty little bubble, and obviously some higher powers decided to bring me back to reality this year. When you’re one of the winners, you don’t see it at all. You don’t see how the people who haven’t been successful at that particular competition feel scornful about your success. How they look at you with eyes full of envy, and how they wish you’d just disappear, or get bombed by something. Or how they think they can definitely be better at something than you are.

It hurts, it definitely did. Especially if some people you never really cared for appear just to tell you how much they think they’re better than you. Uhh, yeah, I really needed that, right?

I love how people tell me to just ignore the haters, because haters gonna hate, but come on. Get real. How can you really ignore other people? Their opinions? I’m sad I’ve allowed them to get into my head. Still working on that lol.

At the end of the day, losing is…simply complicated. You want to be happy for the winner, praising them for being good and everything (even though some of them really aren’t *pfft* but oh well!)

I wish I had the ability to… not care.

But anyway, as I was stalking the drama team (what drama team? :P), I heard their teacher advisor saying this.

“Come on guys, you can’t win all the time. What’s important is the experience you take away from it. You may not see it now, but 10-20 years later, all the smses will be coming back to me saying ‘Teacher, you were right.’ I know.” – Pn. Ruthra Devy

And if experience was measurable, mine would have made me as rich as… a Malaysian millionaire, maybe. I’ve met all kinds of people (within the confines of the Malaysian Education system, that is)

I’d like to think so.

So yeah, I may be a loser. But deep down, I know I’ll look back on my high school years and see nothing but win.

“I look okay ah?”
“Nope. Slutty. :D”

Okay fine, I can do better than that, but my brains right now do not permit me to look into my archives. LOL.

To the people who read this post and have the urge to say “Hey. Winning isn’t everything.”, guess what? Me too. LOL.

Winning isn’t everything. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel awesome.

*competitive

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Moving on. I have this insane crush on Darren Criss. Blaine. He isn’t gay in real life. Hear that, Vinodhan? :P

When he sings… *swoons*

Okay I realize I have a thing for hot singing sensations. I’m normal, right? o.O *cough* I hope so. Anyway the reason why I started having a thing for Blaine/Darren was when he sung Bills Bills Bills. and When I Get You Alone. :)

Not kidding. This is the kind of guy that appears in my dreams. LOL. Dream guy! Dark curly hair (which is not THAT attractive in real life. I prefer his Blaine haircut in real life, but my god those curls just make me wanna run my fingers through them.) and piercing green-ish (I’m not racist) eyes. :)

I actually proposed to Darren Criss already, but I’m apparently on the longest waitlist ever, so I’ll hold a candle for him until someone better comes along, ay? :)

So full of hope as if we’re ever possibly gonna even be in the same room LOL. Maybe you don’t find it as funny as I do.. but *shrugs* :P

My life would suck without you.

2011-05-17T12:44:00.001+08:00

Since I have nothing left to blog about (well nothing that does not consist of being angry/ranting at some people…) I’m going to blog about one of the people who obsesses over face time in my blog. “You only mentioned me once in that post!” “How dare you not mention me?” etc etc… LOL.

So yes if you know me well enough (or him, for that matter) you’ll pretty much guess that I’m talking about Zickry.

HAPPY (BELATED D:) BIRTHDAYYYY! :D

You’re an old boy now. Almost a man *proud tear

Anyway I’ve known you for slightly over 2 years now, and I’m kinda surprised it seems like such a short time. And that I completely did not socialize with you during the first two years of high school, what the hell? Must’ve been racist/obsessed with a certain guy *cough*

Honestly, since I started being friends with you, I don’t think there has been a time when I was around you that I ever felt like punching the daylights out of anyone. Oh wait, I feel like doing that to you sometimes (please don’t make too many lame jokes, everyone has their limits XD) But you get what I mean.

You are one of the sluttiest people I know. (and I mean this in the nicest way ever, not the typical slut you know XD) You’re basically full of lame jokes, and you pretty much put almost everyone ahead of yourself. You get stressed out from trying to be perfect and hoping people will appreciate your efforts, but sadly the world doesn’t work out that way.

We’ve argued, laughed like mad people until our stomachs hurt, annoyed the hell out of each other in slutty showdowns that never really ended. You’re optimism as to how people should be surprises me sometimes (the naivety of it, actually) and all, but that’s who you are. *shrugs*

I love how people are so in love with you (to the point of being annoyed lol) and how you don’t see why.

Zickry: Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror… and I wonder why are they so blind.

HAHAHA. Definition of slutty = Zickry. XD

Thank you for being my friend (I think I heard Boo Keong crying), thank you for modeling for me, and thank you for being my personal slut of a comedian. LOLOL

Here are some photos that remind me of you (because you’re in them.) HAHA.
Zickry and his many fans. (And yes he only has fans, no air-conds yet. LOL.)

Ah well my photography skills are getting better. :)

AND OH. I love how you’re never shy in front of the freaking camera and can pull just about any pose. But since this is your birthday post I won’t do anything mean lah. Cause I mean, I want you to be able to look back at this years from now and say “OMG! Ann-Marie was awesome” not that you hate me or anything so… *shrugs*

Anyway, I remember when you became my so-called helper during the Thai students trip but about 50% of all the photos I took consisted of you or the girls you were talking to.

And how I have a few freaky looking photos of myself and you no thanks to Clarence LOL.

I remember how obsessed we are about Glee which turned into an obsession with singing. How I don’t like my voice, and how much you want me to sing for you… which is just like omgwth I don’t really sing (except for in church. Yes that’s an excuse lol) And then how that turned into singing on the phone and MSN and surprising Boo Keong by calling and singing and having him laugh at me.

And how we have a group called The Unsung Singers because we’re singers that don’t sing.

Aside from that I pretty much think about your jokes (both lame and genuinely funny) and smile like an idiot. Good times. :)

*sigh*

You’re finally 17, and you’ll have many, many more years to come!

(hopefully, unless 2012 happens… so…. *BOOM*. But yeah. XD)

HAHAHA. :D

Also, I’m getting emotional just thinking about next year and how quickly high school is ending. “UU AH?!” LOL. I’ve always wanted it to end because I didn’t think I’d be able to do so much here. Or succeed for that matter. But look how far I’ve come *proud tear* and I wish I had at least another year in me.

Sadly life doesn’t work out that way (AND I’M NOT GOING FOR FORM 6! SHEESH D:)

So that’s the end. Of this post. Dedicated to an awesome friend. – end of story –

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER HAHAHAHAHAHAHA :D :D :D

Don’t worry, be happy.

2011-05-14T16:49:00.001+08:00

Officially my new life motto. Seriously, I have always been under so much stress, and I knew it too. I just didn’t see any other way, except from being super stressed lol. I kept telling myself that this stress will only last until SPM. But okay putting things into perspective the stress will never end, no?

“Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.”

After SPM, I’ll be stressed about my results and where I’ll be going for college. And then it’ll be how well I’m gonna do in college and possibly a few years of mugging and more stress. Then it’ll be the stress of getting a job, a place to stay, and surviving on my own. Soon enough I’ll be old and there’ll be pressure for me to get a husband and kids, and then it’ll be trying to cope with a new life….

You catch the drift, right?

So yes, this exams, especially during the midterms, I’ve decided to apply myself in studying. Instead of slaving for hours staring at textbooks praying all of it will cram into my tiny little brain, I’ve instead tried this wonderful thing called logic. Surprisingly, with my lack of *ahem* preparation for Physics I managed to understand some concepts thanks to my logic-applying-yourself theory so we’ll see how it goes.

If all else fails, it’s back to being stressed until Trials and SPM. >.<

LOL actually that was just a fancy schmancy way of saying I’ve turned into a lazy bum.

Oh well. In other news, I edited my Restaurant City layout. Level 90, 100 popularity points, and an awesome layout (if I can say so myself lah). :)

Yes I have an indoor pool and the arcade’s in the pool. A bowling alley, and awesome food *evil laugh* HAHAHA. I know I’m mad. Pfft.

Oh and the Starstruck 40 (the 40 young writers across the country who were selected under the Starstruck program to write for Stuff@School in case anybody has amnesia) has decided to meet up! On the 9th of June 2011 in Kuala Lumpur. Well obviously not everyone can make it, it’s impossible to find a date to bring together everyone across the country at the same time, but I hope the majority can make it, cause it wouldn’t be a Starstruck 40 outing if only, say, 15 people make it, you know? LOL.

Okay moving on, I have discovered something about myself. I have the urge to obsess. About what? Well, honestly, just about anything. Be it the future, studying, friendships, guys, other people’s relationships and lives, Facebook, music, starting a band, celebrities… well you name it, I’ve pretty much obsessed over it. Seriously.

I think it’s rather depressing that I cannot get by without obsession, as though it is the only thing that keeps me going in life. I’m going to have to find a way to cure that lol.

Anyways meet my new obsession (in case he happens to google himself and stumbles upon this lame blog, then hello, I live halfway across the world from you and is at no risk of stalking you in real life. Plus I only keep my stalking paws to the internet, so seriously. You don’t have to hire security or bodyguards :D)

Wow I sound like a creepy fan girl HAHAHA. *FAN GIRL SQUEAL*

Oh wait, I haven’t even introduced him yet. Meet Viktor Cepeda. He’s (how old, I don’t even know, it’s not on the internet D:), sings, plays the guitar, is currently in Texas I think (from my stalking devices ahem) LOL?! and used to live in California. I think. I’m not too sure. *cricket sounds*

(Photo stolen from his website, viktorcepeda.com)
*squeal* *swoon* I wonder if this guy really exists HAHAH!

Okay his Twitter profile picture. He replied to my silly tweet with a “Thank you.” which stated something about falling in love with him after listening to his YouTube cover of Umbrella. lol.

If you think that’s creepy, I suggest you press that little red x on the top right hand corner of the screen cause what you’re about to see is CREEPIER. Trust me.

The following two photos were taken from his Facebook page. Not his fan page, it’s practically empty (with only 50 fans?! Go “like” him people!) Apparently, he has no privacy settings except for his tagged photos, and I think that will change once he sees this blog post. BUT OH WELL. The price of fame, Viktor, the price of fame. Some random girl across the globe will swoon whenever she sees your face or hears your voice because she can. :(

*swoon* again! :D Have no idea why there’s a stripper pole in the picture though.

Viktor as a kid. So cuteeee! (Actually most if not all kids are cute. So yes. It’s the end product that matters. And can I say that Viktor is ridiculously cute as an adult?)

Honestly I wonder how old he is, cause there’s no indication of it like, ANYWHERE :(

Video grabs from Viktor Cepeda’s videos and youtube channel. In other words what he looks like since there aren’t many photos of him online lol =.=”

*squeals* dimples!

And he’s tall (I hope), dark (as in the eyes and hair) and handsomeeeeee. *swoon*

Okay *slaps self* I have officially completed my obsession process. LOL. Viktor Cepeda pwns Biology any time of the day. :)

And oh this is why I fell in love with him in the first place. Umbrella – Viktor Cepeda

Oh and you can listen to the rest of his videos, or go to his Myspace page to listen to his music that is on iTunes. He’s amazing, like seriously! And I wonder why I ever liked Taylor Lautner since he’s pretty much JUST good looking? :/ Whatever it is LOL. *cricket sounds*

OH LOOK, A SQUIRELL!

That is all for today. I should probably study now. >.<

P/S: In every life we’ll have some trouble. But when
you worry you make it double.

Walking on broken glass

2011-05-07T23:39:00.001+08:00

“There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.
You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.
And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

-- Part of a poem, Point B by Sarah Kay. Watch it live here.

Credits to Amanda for the quote that made me discover the wonderful world of spoken poetry.

And oh I definitely have a lot of things to rant about and get all upset over, but yeah, what’s the point? Immortalizing it on my blog and then remembering it one fine day? Having people use it as gossip fodder against me? No thank you. I’d rather just… let it simmer down and hopefully die away.

Decided to edit photos from an outing for the fun of it to remind myself of how much fun I used to have. (I sound like I’m dying or dead lolol *touch wood*) I’m gonna have more fun in the years to come but you know, I’m just saying. Haha.

So it was the last day of school last year (was it really THAT long ago?) and I decided to go bug Boo Keong and Angeline’s study date and take advantage of Subway’s buy 1 free 1 promotion thing.

I honestly miss Angeline’s sarcasm and insults. And Boo Keong’s mad carefree laugh. People will change, people will move away, and people, if you let them, will disappear from your life.

As I got older, I became more acutely aware of this fact. Like when I was a kid, I don’t think I realized my cousin going off to the US for years (yeah of course I knew he went, it just didn’t bother me) and it only did 8 years later, when he came back. I wasn’t bothered when my aunts or cousins, and even friends, moved off to college and I didn’t see them again.

I guess I wasn’t close to them, so it didn’t bother me. And plus I was pretty carefree. Heavily emphasized on the pretty lol, I think I’ve always been a troubled kid. As my English teacher should know, no thanks to an essay from last year’s midterms on “The day I regret the most.”

Talk about off topic HAHAHA. Okay anyways. Boo Keong picked me up from school. I guess we asked Zickry to come along, and I think he had something going on or else he’d gladly snatch the front seat from me lol :P

As usual, Boo Keong needs to pump gas at the petrol station so while he’s gone I take pictures of his things. lol.

David Beckham! :D

Manchester United jersey plushie thing. LOL

So after meeting up with Angeline at Subway, we ate and sat for all of about 30 minutes at most. And bolted. Subway just isn’t a place to linger at for long, especially at lunch hour. Plus the limited seats just make the place look cramped and small lol.

Then we headed for McDonald’s but obviously Angeline was trying to save petrol or she didn’t know the way, probably both. So she hitched a ride in Boo’s car and we went to McDonald’s.

Outside the car.

Holding Boo Keong’s revision book and extra Subway lol. =.=”

I couldn’t resist and bought this. T.T One of the most delicious burgers ever. LOL. Spicy Chicken McDeluxe. *sigh*

Boo Keong having a Subway in McDonald’s…hypocrite LOL

Angeline’s obsession with taking pictures and Boo Keong’s obsession with hiding his face from it.

Gotta study before the exams D:

Officially one of the best stalking pictures I’ve ever taken.

The handwritten by Angeline lyrics to Grenade
(which, at that time, I haven’t heard of yet lol!)

And apparently that was the season of McShaker fries, and you know how people get when they’ve been studying, right? Well yeah, they get hungry.So Boo Keong went off to buy some fries.

Here’s a tutorial:

How To (Make)** McDonald’s McShaker Fries
**No assembly required. Just some minor exercises lol :)

Step 1:
Buy some fries. Large or go home, because only the large size gives you the McShaker thing.
(Trust me… I should know)

The fries that go straight to your thighs

Step 2:
Make sure you have the McShaker bag in hand.

As demonstrated by Angeline the ever-willing model

Step 3:
Make sure you have that bag of flavoured, powdery goodness.

Boo Keong ze hypocrite was wearing a Liverpool Jersey. So Angeline,
being an anti-Liverpool fan decided to replace to club logo with the McShaker powder,
and we came up with… “You’ll Never Shake Alone”

(I only realize how wrong it sounds NOW)

Step 4:
Dump all your fries in the bag.

Like this.

Step 5:
Pour all the said powdery goodness into the bag.

See the powderrrrr :D

Step 6:
Prepare your arms for some vigorous shaking. Hold the opening of the bag tightly.

Check out Boo Keong’s smile :D

Step 7 (Optional):
Pose with your McShaker bag for remembrance

Angeline and her posing lol

Step 8:
Very crucial. Shake the bag to your heart’s content. If possible, look like a complete fool from shaking so loudly and make ridiculous sounds when doing so.

As demonstrated by the Boo here. :P

Step 9:
Open your bag of McShaker fries and enjoy the shaken goodness. :)

I miss these fries. T.T Terrible idea doing this in the middle of the night lol

Disclaimer:
Too much vigorous shaking can cause torn bags. LOL

After enjoying our fries, it was back to business for the study daters. LOL.

Eh! maybe you should attach this to your resume lol. :P

And yeah that pretty much concluded the day. Was stuffed from lunch so I didn’t have dinner. I was home by 7pm that day. And er, it was a fun way to spend the last day of school. Did I mention that I went to McDonald’s in my school uniform? Yeah I did. I don’t know who I learnt all this nonsense from *cough seniors like Boo Keong cough* But hey, I don’t recall having so much fun if I were straight-laced and all lol.

Before I end my post with my usual rant, here’s another picture. Consider it as a bonus.

Yes he’s still single lol. CUTE RIGHT?! Celaka fella thinks he’s incapable of these photos. :P

So anyways rant rant rant. Silly midterms have begun and it’s stressing me out. So many chapters to cover and being a last minute lazy bum I’ve barely covered half of what I’m supposed to. BM Paper 1 was pretty erratic and I’m not sure if my essay is on par with my teacher’s “high marking scheme” but hey, I’ll only hope for the best. The following week is pretty depressing with at least 2 papers everyday, and Physics on Thursday and Accounts on Saturday! And it doesn’t end there. There’s another week and a Monday left.

Ah yes, all I can do is worry. It’s supposedly our last chance to raise the school’s predicted CGPA or something, and we’re supposed to strive to get straight A+’s in aiding our school in achieving it’s mission but the funny part is that I’m predicted to get a measley 5A+’s for my SPM. Talk about the urge to prove them wrong.

I just need to wake up and suddenly have a super-absorbent brain that can absorb and remember history facts in less than a day. Hopefully.

Oh and people live with crap every day. Like, they deal with it. But I have problems with that. Dealing with crap and people in general. I have low crap tolerance (as the famous Lee Jing says) but seriously, I just… can’t deal with crap. Like if you throw crap at me, chances are I’ll throw crap back at you. Else I’d just take it and grudgingly shove it somewhere unseen. Pretty much how I deal with my problems. BOO! Don’t know where I’m going with this LOL.

*distracted* Oh look, new profile pic (for the three of us. I’ve come up with such an ingenious idea :D)!

And for the heck of it…

I, Ann-Marie Khor Wen Ling, hereby pledge to reduce online time by at least 50% in the midst of the mid-year examinations, and increase studying time to the extent of sacrificing sleep where necessary.

P/S: Please wake me up from this nightmare ;(

My mind is like a bullet train.

2011-05-02T01:37:00.001+08:00

It’s true. One minute, I’m thinking about Starstruck! assignments, the next, I’m thinking about my midterms. Then at the corner of my eye I spot that “perpetual mountain loud of homework" that I constantly try to bulldoze. Who knew my byline for Stuff@School would be so accurate? LOL.

But seriously, juggling Starstruck!, school (especially Accounts folio. I’m screwed), homework, magazine work, and life in general (well hey, I need my shut eye too, aye.) is pretty difficult. Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone and I should just lock myself in my room and never come out. Because, heck yeah, I could just hibernate all day, no?

I should seriously check out of Procrastination Station if I intend to not get a “late mark” for my assignments. :S

Anyways a random article in The Star caught my eye. It’s pretty powerful, and honestly, I think all the silly politicians who keep emphasizing on “1 Malaysia” when they themselves don’t practice it in their policies and just dealings in life should read it. Religion doesn’t necessarily make you a good person. Going to church, or even praying 5 times a day, won’t make you holy. It won’t make you good, it won’t make you magically spotless in the eyes of God. Then again, God is…merciful. All you need to do is admit your faults and (at least try to) change your ways. Simple stuff, right? I hate people who act all “holier than thou”, and I’m just generally annoyed by them. Sad to say I’m generally annoyed by a lot of other things lol :S

“So what if the ignorant or uneducated pray to spirits in the trees or idols they were brought up to believe in, as long as their faith is steadfast and their love of God helps them to lead kind and helpful lives.” Read the rest of the article here.

*sigh* I’m so grateful that Monday isn’t a school day.

Anyway, Samantha, one of the people I’ve recently spent a lot of time with, is leaving to study in KL. I hope you meet lots of hot European guys in KL, but just try to remember what is right and what isn’t okay? :) I’ll miss you like hell, especially when we’re singing on Sundays and I can feel my voice cracking cause I’m only half as awesome as you are. And definitely, the random facebook status update (hack!), you being way too honest with me about my lame jokes, and just your presence. I’m sure brother will miss you too LOLOL.

Goodbyes are one of the hardest things to do. I actually cried during Samantha’s farewell. I didn’t expect to. I guess I’m an emotional wreck when it comes down to it, actually. Honestly, I think the only reason why I’m not bawling my eyes out is because she’s bound to come back (hopefully often) lol. :D

Oh and I think I’m gonna start watching Korean dramas. They’re so awesome. Thank God for subtitles! I caught an episode (lucky me, it was Episode 1) of I’m Legend. Which made me cry a few times in a single episode. Young orphaned girl, marries the guy of her dreams, who used to love her. But he’s rich and she isn’t, and the only reason why his parents approved of the marriage was because of her pregnancy (and she miscarriages later on). Then now, she’s undergoing fertility treatment because the traditional mother-in-law would like an heir to the family name. Her husband has a mistress and refuses to sleep with her. She practically gave up her schooling life to take care of her sister, who resents her for being so “cheap” and “worthless” (due to her situation with her husband). Then her sister has bone cancer, and requires a bone marrow transplant. She went off and gave it anyway (despite objections from her mother-in-law and husband). Then the movie ends with her asking her father-in-law something. But her mother-in-law cuts her off, saying it was already discussed, thinking it was about the bone marrow transplant. The main character cuts her off again and states that she wants a divorce.

SO AWESOME.

Anyways there’s more to Episode 1, but mainly the side stories lol. And yes ALL of that happened in Episode 1. I think I’m gonna have to follow this series or else I’d die of anticipation.

It’s really late and I should probably get to sleep. Else I’d never wake up in time to finish my assignments, plan the accompanying photographs, and go for BM tuition with my sanity intact.

Signing off,
A Starstruck! student. LOL

I’m sorry

2011-04-28T00:23:00.001+08:00

Where did I go wrong? I don’t know. I can’t figure it out myself. First, I’ve got my priorities screwed up really bad. Entirely my fault, I guess I don’t see what’s “important” in a traditional sense. What’s important to me is living my dream and jetting off to the my dream country any chance I get. But what’s the point of doing that at the expense of everything else?

I hate school and all it’s pretenses. I hate how some teachers demand for respect because they’re teachers. Sure, I wish you good morning and put on a fake smile if I don’t like you, but that doesn’t mean that I wish to engage in conversation with you, especially if I go out of my way just to avoid you.

The hallway near the teacher’s staffroom is creepy to me. I may get called by an enthused teacher who saw my article in the newspaper, beaming at my talent which was apparently undiscovered. I wouldn’t call it that really, I’d just say it was under nurtured and underappreciated. When were my ridiculously long essays corrected for grammar meticulously, or appreciated? If anything, they were frowned upon, by both my classmates AND teachers.

Then there are the haters too. “Do you think you’re all that just because you’re published in the newspaper?”

“Why are you taking part in so many activities? Lay off, will you?”

Oh okay, so all of a sudden, I don’t “deserve” my spot in the things I join. The editorial board, debate team, being on Starstruck!… because I’m busy? And that I participate in too many things, and should be giving other people a chance?

I think it’s clearly unfair to say that I should lay off the participation (especially in things that I love wasting my time on). Especially when it comes from people who clearly have nothing better to say about me than talk behind my back.

If you want it so badly, why didn’t you ask the teacher. Wait, you did? Oh okay then why did said teacher proceed to pick me anyway? OH. Right. It’s because (pardon my self-centeredness) I have the skills and you don’t. Do you think competitions are based on equal rights? Right. The world isn’t fair, and it will never be. So if you really want to be a jack of all trades, suck it up and brush up your skills before opening your mouth and trashing people for no reason.

*deep sigh*

Sometimes, I wish my parents would understand me. But they don’t. Like my interest in photography. My dad doesn’t get it at all, asking me why isn’t my digital camera enough? Well yeah because there are some things a DSLR can do that a digital cannot? And he just ignores me. Okay then. Whatever you want. I don’t care. Even though I do. Like yeah my interests aren’t important because they’re not academically related and having a DSLR won’t help me get straight A+’s in SPM.

How when I see that smidge in my report card of an A- and below and my heart sinks. I know they think that I don’t study enough. I immediately think I failed: that’s how I feel. That’s how I always feel. Just because I’m somehow “smart” doesn’t mean that I’ll magically get great results each time. It’s just a piece of paper and it means so much to you. Okay fine. But do you know how difficult it is when I don’t get the results I know you want? The failure is just… pure hurt. I hate having to disappoint you in something as simple as vomiting out the facts I’ve studied throughout the entire year. I hate the fact that I’ve turned into someone so ungrateful. The moment the A isn’t in front of my grade, I presume that I’ve failed. Talk about ungrateful, no? A “A” average with the lowest marks being a B+ is impressive for me. But noooo of course it’s not for you!

And I just don’t… know how to talk to them. Like I hear my friends being able to relate to their parents so well and being happy just the way they are. Sure, I don’t know their personal struggles or whatever. But all I ever wanted was… to be understood. I guess I never have been, and possibly never will be.

Understanding someone else is difficult. It takes so much out of you that I understand, you have your life to live, and you have 3 other kids to take care of. Yeah, sure. You can neglect me, definitely. Just expect the most out of me and then get upset when I don’t reach your expectations, and just don’t care about how I feel. Because feelings don’t matter. It isn’t measurable. “Oh yes my daughter didn’t do well in her exams but what matters is that she feels good about herself and tries her best.”

Yeah if thats how the world operated, I’d save myself the headaches.

Another thing, I happen to be close to two guys. Coincidentally. Uh, yeah. We’re just friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be. We have so much in common and the hours just fly by when we spend time around each other. Nothing illegal, not even close, all we do is hang around, eat, and do random things like singing in the car and cracking lame (and sometimes thigh-slappingly funny) jokes. I’ve never felt so comfortable around people before. No pretenses, I can be whoever I want to be, and I know it’ll be accepted.

And yet, you want me to be friends with girls instead. Oh okay, I understand. “safety” concerns. But uh, right. Again. We do nothing illegal, and we hang out in public. And I’m sorry I didn’t bring back my friends who are girls home to meet you. I really am. There’s just so many of them, and they’re so busy with tuition and their own life to actually want to spend time with me for no reason at all.

I actually have fun with the people I hang out with, and it makes my troubles seem so far away sometimes. Which I definitely need since I practically live in a pressure cooker. It’s really funny .We can do the silliest of things, like park the car in the middle of nowhere (or near a field) and just start camwhoring for no reason. Making so much noise we’d probably get a complaint if people heard us, and just having pure fun.

The feeling is not easy to come by.

Also, I hate how I ask for permission and get rejected at the snap of a finger. Your reasoning isn’t even good enough. “Sometimes we have to say NO first, so that we have time to think about it.” Well, why can’t you just say you’ll think about it? And the best part is if I tell you I’m planning to go somewhere, and you apparently nod your head, of course I’ll just gleefully accept the permission, no questions asked. Why fix something that’s isn’t broken?

But nooooo. You don’t care if you have bad memory, do you? And that most times when I talk, you tend to tune out. Because what I say isn’t important at all, right? Oh well

Why do I really enjoy hanging out with my friends? Like, more than a lot of things in life actually. Because I feel like I’m understood. And a part of something. What if I actually don’t mind sacrificing things like sleep and rest to feel happy? It isn’t the kind of giddy, temporary high type of happiness, but it’s the kind that leaves you feeling all content on the inside. I just like being happy. It sure beats feeling glum and pissy all the time.

I’m also sorry I don’t conform and squeeze into that little box you’ve made out for the perfect daughter. I can’t score Straight A+’s to save my life, I can’t help but spend endless hours online because it’s something that doesn’t judge me, I can’t help but want to sleep all the time because I hate how dreary life is the moment I wake up.

Sometimes, I wish I could just *pop* and disappear off the face of the earth. Save myself the hurt, save my parents the disappointment and anger at me for not being able to be perfect in their terms.

I’ve thought about it long and hard, and I realize that I have nothing going for me.

I could be better off dead, actually.

I wonder what dying really feels like. >.>

I’m sorry I can’t be the perfect kid. Who sits at home and reads all day. I can’t study for more than 15 minutes without losing focus. Facebook holds my interest far longer than real books do. Except for story books but they’re irrelevant to you. I’m sorry I don’t like the same things you like, and I’m sorry I join so many things that it hurts your head trying to remember how many things I have to go for and how much time I actually spend on my computer doing “unproductive” work like photoshop just because I want to learn things for the school magazine.

I’m sorry I ask so much of you, so that you would listen to me even when I don’t make sense, and so that you’ll understand me. It’s not that I want all the freedom in the world. I just wish I had your trust. I’m not an idiot. I’m sorry I can’t force laughter and fake smiles and would just prefer to wallow in self-pity, consumed by my imaginary world. I’m sorry I don’t know how to “take care of myself” and “make you proud” because apparently I’m terrible at things like that.

I’m sorry I’m not the smartest person in my form. But most importantly… I’m sorry I can’t be what you wanted all along – the perfect daughter.

Life is just… it makes me want to say, forget this crap. I just want to live and breathe and survive. Not try to stay afloat and end up drowning. If it makes sense.

P/S: If only I had photographic memory. Or awesome accounts skills

I wonder how they sleep at night.

2011-04-24T17:05:00.001+08:00

Oh hello, I’m finally updating my blog. Hope all of you have a Blessed Easter or at least, an awesome Sunday.

I slept till 10.50am today and started playing this game on my phone (which coincidentally is a restaurant game o.O) and spent almost all my money on it. Boo.

Before my midyear exams, I just wanted to get this out. Sleep is like…a million times better than getting on Facebook and stalking people. Yes even the hottest guys in the universe lolol. I wasn’t fully aware of how tired I was until I fell sick (stupid food/water poisoning.) and then sleeping came so easily to me. I actually missed my mum’s birthday at SUSHI KING (Free green tea and sushi….) and I was so tired I actually slept till the next morning. So foolish @.@

Back to my point though yeah. I love sleeping. *yawn* Come to think of it, I’m really sleepy now…

*slaps self*

I think I was gonna rant about how much things I actually have on my plate right now, and it’s incredible stressful and a pain in the neck. Sometimes I can’t even sleep properly thinking about SPM. I feel so old.

Debate’s on Tuesday. *stress* I’ve been reading so much crap on immigrants that I’m actually starting to believe in the government team’s stand more than my own. But once again *slaps self* there’s gazillions of benefits to immigrants to. Don’t stop believing.

LOL. =.=

I haven’t even studied for my mid-year exams yet. Screw.

And yeah the pictures taken with my phone are actually quite blur huh @.@

I was going onto my group’s page (with Zickry and Boo Keong) and guess what. Facebook has this page suggestions thing based on the words/things you do the most. I find it so insulting actually lol

Ah well. Facebook knows me too well cause I spend too much time with (on) it.

~~MY BLOG IS ACTUALLY VERY BORING~~

Until another… day. :/

Manic Mondays

2011-04-18T00:30:00.001+08:00

And Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays!

That awkward moment when watching TV beats everything else in the world

Debate, Prize-Giving day, Photoshoot for cover of school magazine (sounds so glamorous but it really isn’t), getting magazine work done, club files completed, mountainous piles of homework that keep increasing, Accounts folio, moral kerja amal (both for SPM requirement and to erase demerit marks >.>), Speed up my NILAM reading…

So little time, so much to do.

Good news: I’ve given up being angry with myself. Instead, I choose to be disappointed. I’m so disappointed that I get last-minute inspiration (probably out of desperation). I’m so disappointed in my stupidity. Most of all, I’m disappointed in how ignorantly blissful I feel despite moments of near-cardiac-arrest stress when I think about SPM and whatnot.

BOOO. I probably won’t be updating for a really long time. Until I have something to rant about despite my hectic life HEHEHHH.

I should probably finish my accounts folio assignment before I go to bed tonight.

STRESS GILA ~~macam babi~~

You can be sure, that it’ll only get better from here.

2011-04-10T19:24:00.001+08:00

I think I didn’t anticipate what I had actually gotten myself into when I signed up for everything that I signed up for. Okay, fine, I had an idea of it, but I completely ignored all the gentle “reminders” that were sent my way.

“It’s your SPM year, you’ll be extremely busy.”
“I don’t think you’ll have the time..”
”Are you sure you can handle this?”

So now here I am, doing my physics homework, with a pile of Add Maths exercises to be done, Accounts folio… (Oh wow all the subjects that I actually loathe at the moment, lol), debate scripts to write, magazine assignments to complete, scheduling conflicts to overcome, books to read (for NILAM – that shows how nerdy I really am this year? :P), files to arrange for History Club, and an even larger pile of homework that isn’t due tomorrow, actually.

And you can never forget my Stuff@School assignments, cause they’re awesome like that. But extremely difficult to do. My latest assignment is to ask pertinent questions to the desks of editors I intend to write for. Which leaves me to question my interests actually. I love the newsy part of the newspaper, but the entertainment section is where my heart and soul is. Then again, I would love to make a change and write in the Education section. Or even review games and devices for the Tech section…. I’ve always been indecisive and frankly, it’s been worsened by this… choice I have to make.

I’ve had teachers questioning my… time management skills (which I lack right now, lol) especially with the Starstruck programme. They don’t think that it’s a good idea to indulge in activities that are irrelevant to the SPM syllabus because, well, it’ll be useless to me, academically.

But then again, come to think about it, I don’t really regret anything that I’ve joined this year. Or am planning to join. I think they’ll be wonderful learning experiences (to add to my lengthy résumé ahem ahem) plus it can’t hurt to my share of fun before doom starts looming overhead and the fate of my academic future rests on a single results slip.

*sniff* and I’ve decided against ranting against every single post cause I cringe when I reread them. I’m not thaaaat shallow, as shallow as I may be.

Anyways one night a long time ago, I can’t even remember the date, and I’m too lazy to look at the info section of the photos heh.

We had dinner at the famous place that sells Beef Kuay Teow in BM town, along Jalan Kulim. It’s a hawker centre by day, and a… chu char place by night. LOL

It was actually pretty expensive (as opposed to the one at Sandy Café in my previous post) but it was reasonably delicious.

Eating utensils. (which is a fancy way of saying forks and spoons)

The waitress.

Read this in the 6th Edition of Chicken Soup For The Soul (from our school library o.O)
“Mummy, why are waiters called waiters, when we’re the ones doing the waiting for them?”

Heh. Sadly I’m at the death and dying part right now, so it’s pretty emo, actually. >.> Moving on.

My favorite self-induced torture tool. Chilies. And the ridiculously spicy kind too.

And put it in soy sauce… oh god. *tongue-gasm* HAHA

My little brother gets so excited when someone calls him to talk to him

The poser pretending not to pose by posing heh

Conclusion: skinny people get cold easily

Omelet with prawns, carrots, mushrooms, onions, spring onions and random pieces of various vegetables.

Prawn curry Indonesian-style. I think.

Too delicious (and insanely spicy for words, actually >.>)

Another plate of mixed vegetables.

Lime chicken (which was more like sweet and sour sauce, but okay) with loads of onions and cucumbers.

And some fish with salted vegetables, tomatoes, asam and mushrooms. :)

*resisting urge… to…. RANT…..*

~~I hate physics homework rawr~~

Speaking of life’s failures… LOL. I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day. I wish there were like 24+8 hours, so I actually get to have decent sleep after an entire day of work and stress. But noooo, I have to manage my time so that I get everything done AND sleep. Well, I don’t think it’ll happen in the near future, so I’m gonna go stock up on some caffeine tonight. *yawn*

Did you know that yawns are addictive? Just thinking about it, or watching someone else yawn, will make you feel like yawning too. They’re as addictive as procrastinating. :)

P/S: My horoscope is terrible this week. BOO

Exactly how you hear it, is exactly how it all went down.

2011-04-07T00:38:00.001+08:00

“No, I'm not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
And if my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside

Hold on to whatever you find, baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find, baby
I don't trust myself with loving you.”

-- I Don’t Trust Myself With Loving You, John Mayer

I’m so tired of running after you, and being one and a half steps behind. I’m putting you out of my mind. I’ve got to steer clear, cause I’d burn in your atmosphere. Doesn’t it scare you, we’re not as strong as we used to be?

Random John Mayer lyrics. The songs are just so emotion-inducing, that sometimes I forget that I should let go. Not keep it all bottled up and sing things like “When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part…” Plus I’ve never realized how much I depend on other people.

Signs of insecurity, don’t you think? Well, I know for sure. Insecurity is like this little black hole, really. “Oh, crap, I’m insecure. I should think happy thoughts.” And sure enough, you attract positive energy, and it’s all a bed of roses for a while, until something bad happens, and shatters whatever that was that you called your self-esteem (which wasn’t really there to begin with heh!)

So yes, dependency on other people. Which is incredibly dangerous because nobody else is reliable except yourself. Can you count on anyone else? I know now, that you really can’t. You can’t trust the next person, even though you’ve known them for so long. People are selfish people, do you think they’ll have qualms about stabbing you in the back?

Though when you finally find someone who will never do that, consider yourself lucky…

Back to John Mayer though. Brief walkthrough of my latest er, celebrity crush. Which reminds me of a convo with Chin.

Chin: Why do girls like to crush on celebrities ar?
Me: Um, cause, girls are just wired differently?
Chin: Ya…but guys are like “Oh hot girl…” and then they move on.
Me: Girls are emotional creatures, okay?!

Which I thought was a pretty accurate description. I don’t know if I speak for all of the female population (probably not) but more times than not, if we have a celebrity crush, or even a regular one, the physical may have…lured us in. But it’s the person’s heart and personality that makes us go “wow, he’s a keeper.” The best part of crushing on celebrities is that it’s never going to happen, so you can make up his personality as he goes. LOL

Spoken like a true desperate geek, heh? :)

Random snippets of info:

Supposed womanizer (What supposed, it’s true. Sigh. With a face like that, no wonder? Heh and throw the fame and talent into the mix. Definite attraction, right?) Has dated the likes of Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, [Source: wikipedia] and Taylor Swift ~~the whore~~.

John Clayton Mayer (pronounced /ˈmeɪ.ər/ MAY-ər;^[1] born October 16, 1977) is an American musician, singer-songwriter, recording artist, and music producer. Born and raised in Connecticut, he attended Berklee College of Music in Boston before moving to Atlanta, Georgia in 1997, where he refined his skills and gained a following. [Source: wikipedia]

Mayer has a number of tattoos. These include: "Home" and "Life" (from the song title) on the back of his left and right arms respectively, "77" (his year of birth) on the left side of his chest, and a koi-like fish on his right shoulder. His entire left arm is covered in a sleeve tattoo that he acquired gradually, ending in April 2008; it includes: "SRV" (for his idol, Stevie Ray Vaughan) on his shoulder, a decorated rectangle on his biceps, a dragon-like figure on his inner arm, and various other floral designs. In 2003, he got a tattoo of three squares on his right forearm, which, he has explained, he will fill in gradually.As of 2011, two are filled. [Source: wikipedia]

On a, er, different note.

I went for confession today. I’ve always been afraid of…confession. I thought it was stupid, having to tell someone (a priest, especially. A PRIEST?!) about our sins. Sure, the idea behind it is pretty good, to examine our conscience and get it out of our system, but then you think about it lah, do you really need to tell someone all the wrongdoings in your life?

So lately I’ve been feeling like pure crap. I’ve treated people like crap (e.g.: my own godsister >.> and Kasturi >.>) They’ve been amazing to me, and I’ve only returned it with one word responses and feigned yawns as they spoke. I know, how self-centered and all, right? (I question my judgment in typing this out as we speak)

I talked to the priest about it (and numerous other things). He made me laugh, and smile, and cry all at the same time. You know what was the best part about it? I felt…relieved. To tell someone, and not feeling like I would be judged. Like he won’t smack my head and yell “STUPID GIRL!” at me (I hoped he wouldn’t.)

But his conversation really struck a chord with me. I think it was what I’ve always wanted to hear, but nobody has ever really told me HEH

FR: So, I have three questions to ask you. (First two questions are, er, censored.) Thirdly, do you love yourself?
Me: Ummm I guess so.
FR: What?! I don’t want any guessing
Me: Okay fine, YES.
FR: If you doubted, it means it isn’t a yes.
Me: Ummm okay?
FR: You see… it doesn’t matter what you’ve done. It’s about learning to forgive yourself. God will forgive you… it’s about you forgiving yourself. Have you ever thought about it like that? I think the reason why you feel irritable, the reason why you turn away people who care about you, the reason why you feel this way about yourself, is your failure to forgive yourself. God will forgive you, but you need to first learn how to forgive yourself.

It stunned me when he said that. That the reason why I feel this way about myself, the reason why I do certain things, was because of my inability to forgive myself. Sounds like something so simple “Forgive yourself la! Problem solved.” But the depressing part is that it’s more complexed than that. Please give me a moment of silence as I sort out my emotions.

I remembered crying through the penance. I lost count of how many Hail Mary’s I actually said (was supposed to do five) but I just didn’t feel like getting up. Peace, as I repeated the words I knew by heart. “Hail Mary, full of grace…the Lord is with you.”

And er, I think it’s ironic how this happens AFTER confirmation. *cricket sounds*

Stalking the awesome priest. Who has an awesome beard. And gives awesome sermons (St. Anne’s feast, yo :D)

Random darkened shot. Hah.

I’m just so emotionally drained. I’m reluctant to even get up in the morning. I’m irritable, tired, and sick of everything. And yet I know that there’s way too much to live for to just decide to jump off of a building.

Sometimes you’ve got to do what you don’t want to do at all, to realize what you’re supposed to be doing. (not making sense)

My new blog skin inspires me to type more. Curses! (Er..not really for me. HEH)

“I’m like… forget you. And forget her, too.”

2011-04-03T00:55:00.001+08:00

I guess I should do a picture based update (fail much?) to appease the restless souls of the visual people.

So one fine day (Friday night, actually. HEH) my parents decided to go out to eat. My dad, who apparently gets a lot of recommendations for places to eat, so we decided to go to Sandy Cafe, a small shop along Jalan Usahaniaga, a few shops away from Sri Ananda Bahwan.

The base of the chef’s operations: the “kitchen”.

I couldn’t help but notice that we were sitting by the roadside, with cars zooming past. I prayed that we wouldn’t be run over by a huge lorry as we ate. And my dad told me that the people in Paris do this everyday (eat by the roadside). I still protested, as I doubt the air in Paris is AS contaminated as Malaysian roadside air. lol.

Comparing this place to a Parisian cafe is such a joke, though. Very funny, daddy :P

And when I say small, I wasn’t kidding. :P

I wouldn’t say that they were fast, but I wouldn’t say that they were slow either. It could be the lack of customers in the place, else the service would definitely be slower.

Sister was either playing games/listening to music/watching youtube videos. Can’t remember. D:

The problem with taking food pictures. The moment food arrives: *whips out camera* *takes picture* and I realize that there are hands in them =.=

Thankfully, when they realized what I was doing, they kept their ~~paws~~ hands off the food for a bit :P

So this is called the ‘helicopter’ lmao. I don’t know what’s the formal name for this sea creature, but it’s quite tasty. Except the ones here weren’t that fresh, and I found a hermit crab in one of mine…so… *shrugs*

General overview of the food. Attacked the food out of hunger before realizing that I haven’t taken photos of them yet HAHA =.=

Reasonably tasty Tom Yam soup with fishballs, squid, prawns and mushrooms.

Sambal stir-fried asparagus and prawns.

Steamed fish in soy sauce and assorted vegetables lol

All in all, it was a good meal. The omelet was ridiculously tasty, if I can say so myself. Everything else was quite good too. And the best part was it was RM69 (inclusive of 6 drinks) for 5 people. Not bad actually.

My dad reckons the tastiness comes from the extra flavor as we are sitting by the roadside after all. *shudders*

And oh there are so many stray animals in the area, it’s kind of scary.

There were at least 3 dogs and a cat. This cat was staring at my mum eating (which bothered her greatly) and then decided to climb on my mum’s lap (only it’s front paws though). My mum kept telling us not to throw food at it, and yelled at me not to take photos of the cat as it encourages it.

Like…seriously?

Still, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for it. I think the years of practice helped it perfect the Puss In Boots *sparkley eyed* look, cause I almost fell for it >.>

Moving on…

All of a sudden, I turned into an emotional wreck on Thursday night. Losing something I never really had to begin with? Hah. Hasn’t this happened before? And yet I handled it as though I’m brain dead and they’ve finally decided to put me off life support…

Standing in the shower, I realized that I’ve been deceiving myself.

What is love? What is it like to truly fall in love? Things I don’t know yet, and yet, hopefully, one day I’ll come to know.

I acted like I knew. I acted like I was smart. I acted like I was strong enough to handle all these stupid emotions I’m supposed to be dealing with “in private” as to “not raise suspicions.” But you know what? Screw it. I don’t care if people find out, it’s my problem for me to deal with.

But to all the people who do care: I’m okay. I’ve been okay, since… Friday evening. When I finally decided that there aren’t any tears left, and that this was getting way too tiresome. I don’t care anymore, and neither does he.

I guess what I was MOST sad about, was losing him. I never really had him again, and I repeat, NEVER… and yet, I hate losing things. Hah I just hate losing in general *kiasu face* but guess what, I can handle it.

I knew it was coming and yet when it happened, it slapped me across the face.

But I guess it’s okay now. It stings, but… I’m fine.

If I’m not, I know that I’m going to be…

I was going to erase everything when I realize how stupid I sound… but bleh. I’m a stupid person. Smart, yet stupid. (if I can say so myself about the smartness…heh!)

Anyways in case you haven’t noticed *triple dramatic coughs for effect* I changed my profile picture to reflect my emo, subdued self. Instead of the grinning, head-spinning monkey that was my previous profile photo lol.

Sadly this was the best photo that I managed to take that evening.

Cropped, contrast, brightness, blush and some eyelashes. LOL

Actually I’m super insecure about my eyelashes. This girl, Mazlyana, from my class, with crazy long eyelashes (I have accused hers of being fake, but it has proven not to be… sadly!) likes to call my eyes BALD. Okay lah I know lah I’m a chinese. Leave me alone *hides in a corner*

And oh look, I changed my blogskin. It’s much cleaner. As I’m not that creative in the visual department, I decided to keep it simple with my favorite colors and fonts, and use blogger to make it, instead of depending on html from blogskins. :) Like it? HEH! :P

Oh that’s all… for now. :) *wiggles eyebrows*

P/S: Surely children weren’t made for the streets.
And father’s weren’t made to leave.
- Lincoln Brewster, “The Power Of Your Name”

A mindless rant.

2011-03-31T23:46:00.001+08:00

HA. HA. HA.

What a bittersweet week! Lol spoken like a true drama queen. Anyways it’s been a good week. Hectic, indeed, but good nevertheless. There was some major hoo-ha (apparently caused by the mailroom), as there was a failure to send us the Stuff@School with our Monday papers on the 28th of March. But we received our papers on the 29th.

I overslept on the 29th and ended up skipping school. Woot! And both yesterday and the day before that I came late to school. How awesome am I? I have no clue. LOL Oh my poem got published. I think I’m a terrible poet, especially when it’s supposed to be about something I’m not familiar with. In this case, the feelings of an old lady. Well in my case, I used MY feelings (from a previous…shall I call it relationship?) in place of hers, and yet I couldn’t be too personal hence the choppy poem. but yeah.

Plus that stupid Taylor Swift song (it’s awesome but it just brings back too many sad memories, really. Don’t bash me Taylor fans!) “Back To December” just reminded me of somebody. “He gave me roses but all I gave him was goodbye…” something like that. Such a stupid, little guilt trip. AND I thought I was over that.

The newspaper! :D

And oh today they had this Star-NiE workshop for the Mag Inc 2011 competition. I loved every single bit of it. And I guess I have my mind made up on journalism or something to do with writing (which my cousin tells me is stupid to decide on since it’s such a large field anyways, and I could write for ANYBODY. not just newspapers/magazines. >.> thanks!)

As for the Mag Inc competition? I’m going to go all out this year. It’s our final year after all. Plus, the prizes are to die for. Scholarships, a trip to Hong Kong, pizza vouchers. *drools

I realize that no matter how pretentious I feel when I take photographs, it doesn’t change the way the photo comes out. It’s like, I can act like I know what I’m talking about as I’m fiddling with the ISO and what not, but it’s useless, actually. I can’t remember when I started getting so technical with the DSLRs, but I guess it started somewhere toward the end of last year? I love to take photographs, but lately, people have been convincing me that this “passion” is too consuming because it’s too technical.

I think it’s more about feeling, but hey, I’m just an amateur. So whatever.

Hmm what else? I’m still considering if: 1) I want to go for the Inovasi Sains & Matematik comp again this year, as we’re so not likely to go to nationals even if we did chalk up an achievement at the state level one. 2) I seriously wish to continue on this path of self-destruction in terms of homework and co-curricular activities and 3) I want to go for the band concert. HEH :D

Heard this song on the radio. And I thought it was so catchy. Not that I have anyone to sing this song about…but it is what it is, a catchy song. Now leave me alone before I run off to go emo in a corner.

“I’m all about him. He’s all about me. And we don’t give a dang. About nobody.” – Auburn, All About Him

And oh a random Glee gif that had me realize that I shouldn’t be like Auburn (cause being all about him will probably = heartbreak unless you’re talking about God here. then yes, go ahead. LOL)

Disclaimer: I actually had something else in mind when I thought about blogging like a day ago. And then I saw something that is probably going to change the course of my life forever (and realize my greatest fears) lol but yeah who am I to blame but myself? I’m such a stupid fool

So here’s the before:

(Not in poem form. Apparently I only rhyme when I’m depressed)

A year ago, I would have probably looked at myself, and admired where I am. How you feel is the most important thing, not how other people feel! At least, to the extent of self-image and relationships, is what you’ve convinced me to feel. And I bought every single millimeter of that shred I believed was the truth. To some extent it was. And I guess I’ve always WANTED you to like me, I tried so hard. Perhaps indirectly. I tried not to be shy (failing miserably), I tried to act cool (can I say epic fail?) and more importantly, I tried to act like a person I thought you’d like

Because I can’t ever remember feeling this way before. Cheeks flushed from hours of conversation. Sometimes, I don’t even remember how to breathe properly. Sometimes, I wish my days would just fade away, and only you would remain. Cause that’s how I would want to remember the rest of the days of my life to be.

I was so… madly, foolishly, convinced that I had found the person that I will fall in love with. I was edging closer and closer to that stupid cliff, and all those jokes about being crazy about you, were just honest words that was a slip of the keyboard, and I tried to cover them up.

I’ve always wondered if you saw right through me.

But I didn’t care. You made me smile. You made me… insanely happy. I didn’t think it was possible.

I didn’t want to be that something

I wanted to be that one thing

Maybe it wasn’t about you in the first place. It was my deep-seeded insecurity of wanting to feel like I belong. I think that’s where I learnt how to talk so loudly, so much, and so fast. I think that’s why I act all sarcastic when someone insults me, and let it roll off my back.

But now anyways, I’ve become such a cynic. Maybe like it grew, and grew within me. And now it’s finally this huge being, I can’t ignore it any longer. I still cannot believe that I am such an optimistic fool. I’m going to be calling myself fool for a few days in a row now so you best get used to it

To all the people that I’ve been snarky too, I’m sorry. It’s not right of me. I can give you a thousand excuses, but they’re just lame ones so don’t waste your time

I don’t know where I’m going but I think my train of thought crashed somewhere before “I was so madly foolishly convinced….”

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And here’s the after:

Here I go again,
Trying to rhyme.
But all the words I type,
Seem to fall out of line.

I try, and I try,
And yet I fail again.
Yet somehow writing is the only way
For me to forget about this pain

How could I ever have thought
That you could like me too?
I’d smile, I’d laugh,
I’ve even cried at the thought of you.

But you see, I’m only seventeen
And somehow that’s a lame excuse.
As I walk up to my friends tomorrow
I know I’ll feel like a recluse.

I may have a smile on my face
But trust me, I’m not happy
Thanks for all the memories
Though now, in comparison, they seem so crappy

If I wasn’t a stalker
I would not have found out
If I didn’t care
You, I could do without

Whenever you hurt me
Or at least, whenever I allowed you to
I didn’t know how to tell you
Nor will I ever have a clue

Some things go wrong
But I’ll never find the heart to blame it on you.
It’s her, it’s the culture, it’s the world
Anything, anything,
But you and I both know it isn’t true

I’m stupid, I’m a fool
To ever have thought about you liking me too
Now I’ll have to remind myself
A facebook friend is not good enough for you

I believe, and I believe,
No matter how foolish I may seem
That love will prevail
With you in my life it seemed

Now I’m just bitter, confused and tired
My eyes are red and sore
I click through her profile again
And it struck me to the core

I look at her pictures, her statuses, her comments
And inferior is all I feel.
Is it jealousy? I don’t think so
Because she’s not the kind of person I’d go out to kill

My eyes are closing now
I’m sick of this
Why am I so bitter?
It’s as if I was ever his

I wish it was me, instead of her
But who am I, to decide?
If your mind is already made up
Then it’s time to leave you behind

Call me childish, call me ignorant.
But all I wanted to be was the only one
Apparently that isn’t in your dictionary
Else I’d still be wrapped up in you like a bun ~~(trololol)~~

So here I am again,
Trying to rhyme.
It seems like I’ve succeeded,
But all I’ve wasted was time

It’s 11.11pm now
The time wishes come true
But everything good, everything wonderful
Is all I could wish unto you (and her, too)

Still, the hurt hasn’t gone away
And the pain looks like it’s here to stay
I snicker at my cheesiness
But that’s all I have to say

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AND THE BEST PART IS YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY

Apparently I never learn my lesson.

One of those things that I’m not entitled to feel, and yet I feel anyway. Like how I’m not supposed to love anybody except my relatives. And some (I suppose girl only?) friends >.>

I sound like I’m so dramatic but that’s just how I feel *dramatic sigh* *dramatic cough* *dramatic single tear rolling down cheek for added effect*

And then it hits me that the reason why I’m really like this is because…

I need a life

A failure is a man who has blundered, but has failed to cash in on the experience.

2011-03-27T00:09:00.001+08:00

Loser Like Me – Glee
“Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero
But, hey, everyone you wanna be
Probably started off like me

You may say that I'm a freakshow (I don't care)
But, hey, give me just a little time
I bet you're gonna change your mind

All of the dirt you've been throwin' my way
It ain't so hard to take, that's right
'Cause I know one day you'll be screamin' my name
And I'll just look away, that's right

Just go ahead and hate on me and run your mouth
So everyone can hear
Hit me with the words you got and knock me down
Baby, I don't care
Keep it up, I'm tunin' up to fade you out
You wanna be
You wanna be
A loser like me
A loser like me”

That’s the link (in the title) in case the video embedding fails. :p

I’ve honestly forgotten how much Glee has made me smile… Like the song in itself. I really miss watching the series already. And talking about it like some obsessed girl. Lol.

Anyways current updates: It’s been a bad week, but at least I wasn’t moping around. Epic fail with my undang test. Which I failed. By one mark. That’s the kind of failure that sucks the most lol. Oh volleyball competition was… *cricket sounds* NiE workshop with Fozi was another flop, and now I’m stuck with Assilah D; (super scary. she’s fun. but scary. lol) and my brother?! >.> Um my photography skills are deteriorating. Or maybe I’m just getting too hung up on the technical, eh?

OMG and you know I’ve been spending wayyy too much time on my phone. There’s this app called typogram. And it’s awesome. You take pictures. Pick out the filter/effects/font/word positioning, fill in the words, and voila! A typography-worthy photograph. HAHA

And yes, that was a random quote. Not directed towards anyone in particular.

I hate house practices. I have no friends there. I look like an emo fool. Embarassing myself at sports. My shoes were filled with sand, and I’m not a sprinter so I suck at the 100m race. And everyone expects the biggest girl in the row to throw the shotputt the furthest and when she doesn’t they all look at her like she’s an alien…

SIGH

Oh yeah ZICKRY TRUMPTER (this name nicer than your real name so say it with me now: zzz slut) LOL

I found the chocolates. And I ate them all.

THEY ARE THE MOST AWESOMELY TASTING DARK CHOCOLATES AND FERRERO ROCHER COMBINED. AND IT’S THE YUMMIEST THING EVER INVENTED.

God I’m going crazy just thinking about it’s awesome taste >.>

Thanks, Zickry for your wonderful presence at my “party” and for your present. LOL

Okay so for my next stuff@School assignment, I’m supposed to find four highly interesting schoolmates (which I have found…aren’t y’all honored? :P) to give me quotes on the topic “What I Want To Do Before I Die” something like that. LOL. Forgot. I’m getting old. But yes, so it got me thinking. What did I really wanna do?

Sure, I want to make a change, grow up, get a job with good money, make my parents proud, succeed….

But really, is there all? And oh yes, of course, getting married, having ~~sex~~ kids, raising them to be the best they can be, and to feel like I’ve truly lived.

So typical, no?

Like oh ask anybody and they’d accept that. LOL But okay things I want to do before I die. For sure? (Well I haven’t thought this through. So meh, this is just conceptual. and completely random.)

I want to:
Go to the United States. Visit EVERY state… (WOO!)
Buy a DSLR and go for a photography course.
Then start up an awesome photography blog (hopefully viewed by millions)
Direct a movie that is real, heart-breaking, and NOT mainstream.
Record a video of myself singing with an awesome guitarist and make it big on YouTube
stalk Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girls) and imitate her awesome style/haircut. LOL
Go to Italy and eat a million types of gelato, spaghetti and pizzas.
Give a talk to a bunch of people. About a serious issue. And be awesome at it.
Play awesome volleyball without prejudice or fear of being “judged”

HAH that’s pretty much it. Again, haven’t though it through. But off the back of my mind.

Now that I feel old and worldly though *sarcasm intended* I’ve come to realize that you can dream up the world, but remember to keep your feet on the ground so that you don’t trip. If you dream too big, and when you won’t be able to reach them, it’ll be way too hurtful, and will turn you into a bitter old hag. Trust me…

So now I’m gonna be realistic and cut down my list by at least half.

But death…is like a thief that creeps through your backdoor. You’ll never know when it’s going to come, so just be careful…and live with no regrets. Every minute you waste on your “regrets”, is another minute you don’t get to enjoy your life. Simple, no?

GAH I really need to stop being this huge cheeseball spewing random inspirational quotes at the snap of my fingers lol.

Oh it’s midnight already? Wayyy past my bedtime. I’ll blog…soon…. when I’m not supposed to be in bed. LOL

P/S: UNDANG FAIL CAN DIE NOT

“In the religion of the insecure, I must be myself, respect my youth…”

2011-03-21T23:26:00.001+08:00

“We were all born superstars.” Born This Way – Lady Gaga. well actually, the link will take you to a cover by Waterloo University’s The Unaccompanied Minors’ Flash Mob. :)

I think the lyrics are beautiful. :)

Made me smile and feel like singing along. Hopefully one day when I’m emo or whatever, I’ll go ransacking my blog’s archives and stumble upon this wonderful video lol.

Anyhow!

CHOCOLATE INDULGENCE. Thanks Bookie boo boo boo boo for the cake. LOL

So much for Lent. I think since Lent begun I’ve actually been indulging more. *shakes head* But I mean…yeah. I’m being eaten up by guilt from within so perhaps I should’ve not went for that extra piece of squid during steamboat.

Or that extra piece of chocolate freaking indulgence (like dudeeee the name itself tells you how indulgent it is lol).

Or…that extra butter cheese bun. :(

And yet I wonder why as the days pass by I begin to resemble a ball even more lol.

*extra sad face*

Ah well an update for the sake of updating. I just felt like ranting ho ho ho.

Ummm, not anymore. *self filter mode on*

You know the bible verse that goes, seek and you shall find? Something like that? Well sorry, I’m catholic, so I can’t quote the bible off of the back of my hand. But yeah, I caught the gist of it.

Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find.

No don’t worry, I won’t run around, trying to convert you by knocking your heads with a huge bible.

But I mean, this is common sense isn’t it? If only people would realize. If you don’t understand something, ask. If you feel like her explanation isn’t enough(in reference to teachers, but I guess, can be used in a friend-to-friend context), probe even further. If you need something, open your mouth.

I hate it when people just expect (demandingly, at that!) for the answers to fall into their laps. Well, newsflash, you won’t have your friends to be around you, feeding you information all the time. You can ask, you know?

Everyone WAS given a mouth for a reason. Lol

Oh that rant spilled out, from a years worth of begrudgingly watching my classmates panic whenever they don’t get whatever the teacher is teaching, and yet refuse to question openly, or even flip open the book and attempt to self-understand.

But I was reminded of that bible verse when I was thinking about completing my college applications *COUGH COUGH* better early than last minute, as you all know what a last minute person I am, no?

Well in applying for colleges in the US, you actually need recommendation letters. Which is funny because I’m not really the kind of person who will go back to the teachers that I’ve done “work” for and expect a letter that sings only praises for me.

So it was funny when I stepped into BM tuition, and i figured, heck, why not ask Mr. Dhanapal? I’ve worked with him under the magazine board, I’ve been to his tuition for five years now… and so I did. And he said yes. And started giving me tips on how to get other teachers on board too.

And the entire time my mind was reeling with the words… “ask and you shall receive.”

GOD and I really find it annoying that people think that the reason why I want to go to the US is to shack up there with random guys and hopefully get a green card… like oh yeah? Really? Maybe I WANT to marry a Chinese guy from Malaysia/China AFTER ALL. Who knows? *cough okay that is so very untrue so… cough*

But yeah… that isn’t the main reason. I’ve always wanted to go. There’s this insane pull that just makes me want to go there.

I don’t know what it is….

but I heard it’s called…. DESTINY.

Lol okay that was cheesy even for me, right? HAHA. Perhaps I should stop caring about what other people think of me, but it’s incredibly difficult for me.

That’s enough ranting for a Monday. I have more to rant… but it’s best I stop now before it turns into a 3,000 word rant on how terrible life is.

And lastly…a cheesy quote from Born This Way.

“There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are,
Cause he made you perfect, babe.”

P/S: Physics. Accounts. Add Maths. Screwed.

They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. And yet, what a difference a day makes.

2011-03-19T23:58:00.001+08:00

This holiday is by far the most fun/relaxing one I can recall off the back of my mind. Theology of The Body camp, which in itself was an amazing experience, my birthday (hint hint, even thought it’s 4 days ago :P), volleyball practice – and it’s singular, as I missed 2/3 practices out of laziness D:, the scrabble competition (remind me to read up on Bingoes) andddd choir practice. LOL

Super fun. Yeah.

Oh apparently tonigh there’s this supermoon.

Don’t fear the Supermoon! – source: The Star

Which was pretty funny. I actually went out for dinner with my family, and when I finally reached home I was like OMG TONIGHT LAH THAT SUPERMOON THING. Stepped out of my car and aimed my phone towards the sky. Best picture I got….

What to do la. >.>

Oh and happy birthday to myself. :D I may be older, may be wiser, braver, and all the wonderful attributes in between, but I’m still a noob (*points below* trying to camwhore while the phone is charging. SMART LAH).

By the way noob isn’t a word in scrabble. Thought y’all might want to know. :P

Of cameras and…well, cameras.

As I was laying in bed one fateful morning, sleeping in as usual, oh what bliss it is LOL, I realized that I use my phone to take photos of nearly everything now. I don’t even use my digital camera as much anymore. (which by right isn’t mine, but shhh) It’s too fiddly and slow. >.>

I want a DSLR pretty badly actually. Setting my sights on the 600D *cough cough cough cough cough cough*

Yes I’m done coughing.

But I guess my dreams of becoming a professional photographer CAN wait. I guess so…

Besides, maybe I should put my time to better use and start studying EVERYDAY! *lightning strikes* oh fine. I better not lie. LOL

Hopefully, I’ll find the time to update soon. Or maybe I’ll just photodump all my pictures on facebook. (highly unlikely)

***************************************************************************************

On a ridiculous note, has anyone seen Rebecca Black’s Friday? It cracks me up so bad. Either just listening to her singing (I’m a terrible person, sorry), watching her cracko music video (yes I’m aware that cracko isn’t a word. But it’s an apt description) or even singing the spoof lyrics version “FRIED EGGS!”

Seriously… no joke.

Besides, it’s fun…fun… fun… fun…. *monotonous voice*

P/S: Kickin in the front seat, kickin in the back seat. Gotta make my mind up…which seat can I takeeee? D:

Bad things happen to pessimists.

2011-03-08T20:21:00.001+08:00

No, they really do. But first off, emo song quote:

“I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had”

-- Adam Lambert, Mad World.

“Oh god this week is going to be a terrible week.” was on my mind the time it dawned on me that Sunday was ending. The seminar for youths just bleh. I was sitting in between Samantha (who kept telling me to lighten up, well sorry, I’m just an emo person) and James (who kept telling me to just listen).

I was pretty bored, and I’m pretty sure my brain nearly fell asleep midway.

Maybe that’s just me.

But hey, sure enough, bad things happened to me. It’s like this action/reaction crap thing. I feel terrible, things just go terribly…and well yeah. =.=

I find it hard to pretend to like things/people when I really don’t. Like seriously, should I be a hypocrite, just so I can please you all?

No, I won’t. I don’t care… why should I be the kind of girl who does not know her stand? If I don’t like your friend, then I don’t like your friend lah! “Why do you not like him?” “Why do you have a problem with him?” Cause I’m racist like that. Loljk. But in all honesty, generally people who act all high and mighty, think they’re so funny when they’re not, are irritatingly annoying and are douchebags, are generally people I do not want to associate myself with.

Nor do I want to pretend that I’m fine with their presence.

Like dudeeee. I know you’re like a so-called expert in volleyball, and the vice-president called you in to fill up for teacher, but the way you teach is just so hao lien… for lack of better words. Seeing your face, hearing you talk like a complete douchebag, all high and mighty and telling me to just tell it to your face that I don’t like you instead of making sarcastic jokes…. well I can’t do that.

I’d hate to break your non-existent heart!

*breathes*

Didn’t I tell you that it was a stressful week?

For starters, my article didn’t get published in this week’s Stuff@School. Still pretty bummed about it, but screw you lah, I got over it. LOL. Sort of. It stings when I think about it. Where did I go wrong? I don’t know…. :/

And now I’m ridiculously sick. Flu and fever. Sore throat and cough. I’m sure it came from fatigue though, cause I slept for like maybe more than 7 hours the night before, and I felt fine, before I started feeling tired again. HAHA.

Logic fail. Bleh

This Friday’s our cross-country/Merentas Desa which BM High has decided to turn into a profitable event by calling it a Jogathon. We each had to collect a minimum of RM10 two weeks prior to this Friday. Scamming the money out of us. We already paid RM20 for PIBG fees, and now an additional RM10? Sneaky, sneaky.

Li Teng’s bio notes, which I photostated. So much to study ~~can I die please.~~

I think this was sometime during exam week.

Watching TV and having a can of ginger ale (haha it’s like beer, except it’s probably more spicy. And better :P) instead of studying for KOMSAS. And I wonder why I did so badly…

I realize when i don’t feel like studying I’ll start taking photos.

~~And untie my hair to whip it back and forth~~

I love the auto focus button on my iPhone. I can pretend I haz a DSLR.

Anybody ever thought about vocation? This is a beautiful song, called “The Summons.” It’s a church song. But the lyrics are just, wow.

“Will you come and follow me, if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know,
and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown?
Will you let my name be known?
WIll you let my love be grown in you and you in me?”

And the other verses have even nicer lyrics lol.

Perks of being in the choir. Listening to touching songs. :P

So many things I could complain about, but I’ll save it for a rainy day.

Piano lesson, like, now? Bye. :/

*shoves picture in your face*

I feel so tragically insulted when I realize that I’ve never looked happy in all formal photos (and most informal ones). That my godfather thinks I haven’t changed a bit, and I’m still as round as ever.

Probably still as pissy too.

I wasn’t a happy kid. Boo-hoo, cry me a river.

EDIT:

I know this thing kinda blew up in my face. I won’t deny this, ever. It’s a part of me. I’m racist by circumstance. Our country has continually chosen to oppress the so-called minority races. (silently, of course. Silly people, we’re supposedly on track to being a first world country, as opposed to the third world one we are in right now)

I should’ve chosen friendship over…opinions. Perhaps. But I can never agree with shutting up, when it comes to these matters of importance.

WHAT IF every single person who has been oppressed doesn’t speak up?

WHAT IF the government/people in charge of our country, think that oh, it’s ALRIGHT to do what they are doing right now, because nobody objects, and they continue doing it?

WHAT IF, we are denied of our rights, slowly, but surely, and finally when we think it’s too much, we have no more power to rebel and fight back?

I just can’t stand that thought.

Nobody, no race, no government, should be given too much power, for there is bound to be misuse!

Our very own Unit Bimbingan and Kaunselling for example. Well, hello, Minggu Kerjaya is supposed to be CAREER WEEK, not BUMIPUTERA-EXCLUSIVE-EDUCATION-FAIR WEEK.

And even if it was, why do you waste so much anger and time on us non-bumiputeras by forcing us to sit through the entire talk? RIDICULOUS NONSENSE!

Furthermore, 100% bumiputera quotas, 90%…. whatever it is. If you want to be technical, Malays aren’t even actual bumiputera’s. It’s the orang aslis. But oh well. (In Semenanjung Malaysia, for entrance into UiTM, you just have to be either an orang asli, or of Muslim religion, then you’re as good as in)

So yes, even though I have zero intentions of attending local universities, matriculation, or even going for a racist university such as UiTM, I don’t intend to see my country turn into ashes.

“These things can’t be changed, these things, we just have to follow and accept silently.”

IF WE HADN’T, WE WOULDN’T BE IN THIS PREDICAMENT NOW, WOULD WE?

God, I just realized I could be caught and sent to ISA for saying all this. But it’s the truth.

So I mean, screw you. I have a right to think, and say what I want to. I’m not disrupting racial harmony. If you call pretending like nothing is wrong, and that everything’s okay with your ridiculous quotas that should be abolished anyways, as racial harmony, then you’re probably living in a pool of bullshit yourself.

Besides, this is all pretty much bullshit anyways.

If Malaysia has every intention of becoming a world-class, first-world country, with amazing economy, and complete political stability, it needs to stop doing all this nonsense that is bound to chase us, Generation Y, out of here.

Do you really want people to say, 1Malaysia, my ass?

I don’t. Sure, I say it myself. Because that’s under these very circumstances, deemed unchangeable and hopeless. So yes, whatever. People need to realize that they can make a change.

When you’re old enough, vote wisely.

When you feel like you’re being oppressed, speak up.

Because trust me when I say this, if our ancestors didn’t do it for us last time, don’t trust the current “elder” generation to do it for us either. Too hardened by acceptance of the circumstances already.

(That was a long edit)

Too many things I’d love to say. But honestly….yeah. That’s pretty much it. I just don’t like it when people say things like “Oh just follow lah! Because we can’t change it" because every single person has a choice, to turn things around…. =.= Hence my outburst. Heh. Whatever.

P/S: RACISM. Because you have a right to!

I don’t make sense when I rant senselessly.

2011-03-06T23:52:00.001+08:00

It was a long week. Never seemed like it would end, really. Best part was I thought it’d be a pretty laidback weekend, but who knew I’d feel so emotionally worthless and like crap from being so overexerted? Not really physically, more like emotionally, and vocally (my voice’s endurance is pretty much, well, crap.)

I hate exams. Who loves them, really? Geeks, maybe. I don’t know. I’m not really one. Maybe once in a blue moon, I zip up into my geek costume but otherwise I’m just a chill kind of person who loves procrastinating. Life’s just too good to be stressed all the time.

Have I mentioned that I hated bio? Oh. I haven’t. Well here it is. I hate Biology. It’s a dumb subject that is actually amazing when someone explains to you all about it in PROPER ENGLISH and actually appreciates students who care to listen to her. And it’s amazing if you can explain to us what dumb questions they can possibly ask. Would save a lot of our asses from failing bio.

I’m in a crap mood, so screw you self-censoring.

One down, five more to go. (UCD2, Mid Year, Trials, Year End, SPM.)

Even with these minimal subjects, I was struggling as though I lost my brain somewhere in Jusco. I just need to get away from everything for a bit. Life’s just too stressful, I’m falling sick, and honestly it’s just…bleh.

It’s like… one day, you wake up, and feel like talking to someone. Scrolling through the hundreds of friends in your phonebook and facebook friend list, you realize there’s nobody who will truly understand you. Who will really just advise without judging, things like that.

I wish I had a close relationship with God. I envy the people who do. Like when I talk to God, I laugh at myself because I’m not getting any answers. Ridiculous, I know lol. What did I expect, the booming voice of the Lord to enlighten me today? I know all these things subconsciously but they just don’t pan out when I’m actively praying. Not that I do. Perhaps I should start.

I scare myself with thoughts of failure. When you dream of success, obviously failure comes into play. “If I manage to….” comes with “What if I happen to….”

Like as if I don’t have enough to worry of today. I have to worry about tomorrow, too? “Bleh.”

“She thinks I can’t see the smile that she’s faking.
And poses for pictures that aren’t being taken.
I loved you.
Our love was comfortable and so broken in.”

-- John Mayer, Comfortable.

Favorite emo song of the month.

I just don’t know. So many things I wish I didn’t do. ~~But I continue learning~~ God was I seriously quoting Hoobastank?

“Yes you were, my silly child.”

Oh how wonderful.. Back to my point though. I’ve always wondered about the what ifs (they’re destroying me). What if I hadn’t switched school? What if I hadn’t taken up accounts? What if I was a typical Chinese girl who wanted to live in Malaysia, get married to an honest, hardworking Chinese man who would provide for me properly? What if I didn’t have dreams of going to America and of studying there? What if what if what if?

Questions I don’t know the answers to, and probably never will. A huge part of me feels weighed down with regret when I see people like my best friend from primary school not talking to me (even if it’s not on purpose).

I’m just a jealous, jealous person.

Oh and I really disagree with people who feel the constant need to remind me that our God is a punishing God and the only way to be salvaged is to follow his commandments, do as he says, and never sin. And when you sin, you should be on the verge of killing yourself out of guilt.

Somewhere along those lines.

I don’t know much about God, but every time I hear someone saying that, I feel like punching his/her face and yelling “YOU’VE GOT IT ALL WRONG, STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE YOURSELF/OTHERS OTHERWISEEE!”

I also hate this “Oh you’ve got to evangelize and preach to all your non-Catholic/Christian friends.” No no, you know how you really evangelize? By being a great person, and allowing people to see that God works in your DAILY LIFE. Not limited to church activities, i.e. my ex-catechism teacher bringing people for us to “evangelize” during church activities. I find it highly…irritating. Like yeah, if you REALLY are serious about evangelizing, it’s not about bringing people to our church, joining our activities, and then make comments about US not being good Christians for being so “unwelcoming” of our non-Christian friends.

Like, OMGWTF are you serious? She was. And I was so angry. But I have no balls to stand up for myself so I resort to crying. I’m pretty ridiculous like that. When I’m angry, I rarely think much, which means I won’t have enough thoughts to sustain any arguments and be firm in my stand anyways.

It’s not that I think, oh God is exclusive to us, the cradle-born Christians. Hell no, I think everyone knows God. I hate it when people look down on other religions Even though they vehemently deny so, their actions always speak louder than words… don’t try so hard to “evangelize.” it’s your religious duty but stop forcing it onto everyone within breathing distance lah!

My theory is that, as every religion states, there is only one God. Indeed. There is only one God, the Almighty. Why there are countless religions scattered across the world is due to interpretation. You know, us humans. We exaggerate, think we’re better than other people, thinks some things should change…yada yada… hence the birth of new religions.

Lol yes dumb theory, and can never be proven right nor wrong, but it doesn’t hurt to keep an open mind.

Back to this evangelizing thing, I still think that a good way to preach to others is to just be a wonderful person, and be extremely grateful to God for every single thing that comes our way. Sooner or later, people will grow to be interested in why we’re good people, and then we can attribute our religion to it.

“I’m sorry Lord, for the thing I’ve made it, when it’s all about you, it’s all about you, Jesus.”

Lyrics from Heart Of Worship by Matt Redman. So true. I’m really sorry for the things I’ve turned it into, this singing for the choir, worrying about what other people think. The focus shifted from wanting to have something to do during mass, to praising God… to, well, singing awesomely every single time.

Hence the sore throat, but I disgress.

Life is just way too complicated, but I’ll have to learn to take it one step at a time.

I’m just too tired and sick to be optimistic. I will be optimistic tomorrow.

However, even after 11 years of school.

Everywhere I’ve been, they’ve emphasized that Malaysian education is just that. A box, where students are stuffed into to complete all their homework, to memorize and study, to respect all teachers, and to finally spit out everything we know during examinations.

Not conducive for learning.

And when I hear how American education works, I fall in love instantly and vow that I will claw my way to the top if I have to.

Last picture:

Because healthy food rarely looks good.

Can you believe chicken breast (microwaved) contain like, virtually no fat, is low in calories, no carbs, and extremely high in protein?

[Bad infomercial voice ends]

I can’t wait for the holidays. I want a break from LIFE.

When life throws you lemons, you demand your share of chocolate!

2011-02-26T23:51:00.001+08:00

Or you could just demand for a juicer and make the best lemonade you can. :P Yes I’m aware of how random this is. Or how infrequent my updates have become. I guess I’ve neglected my inner-writer’s need to type up a storm and come up with ridiculously long blog posts.

If you don’t already know, The Star’s pullout, Stuff@School, launched a competition (one ending last year, which was about getting a Stuff@School ambassador, while this year’s was Starstruck! The objective was the same: To discover 40 young writers across the country, and give them a chance to get published. Because there’s nothing like seeing your name, face and byline, on top of an article you’ve painstakingly written, published in a local newspaper. :)

So I applied for the second one (because I missed the date on the first one… oops!). Procrastinated till the sun nearly came up on me! Guess what, I only hit the “send” button at 11.30pm that very night! Bugged a few friends of mine to read my application and see if it sounded like, well, me. I thought it kind of did. It reflected on who I was, who I wanted to become, and what I’ve done to get there. And oh I threw in a James Dean quote for good measure; “Dream as if you’ll live forever, Live as if you’ll die today.” Something like that.

I was pretty happy with it, obviously. And the unnerving wait begun, to see if the stressing out had paid off. And guess what? It did. :)

I’m a blessed person (if I can say so myself) because I’ve been presented with this wonderful opportunity, beautifully wrapped up in a convenient package. Now all I need to do is my very best. Because the world is my oyster. :)

So here’s the promotion (inserts warning: Advert AHEAD)

If you subscribe to The Star through your schools, you have nothing to worry about! But if you don’t, you won’t receive your copies of Stuff@School unless they get the green light to publish it in the national newspapers (like this Monday, 28th February’s issue.) So don’t miss out on this fun-filled, jam-packed with English goodness pullout written by the people for the people (people in reference to the teenagers across the country like you and I :D)

It’s RM22 for 24 issues, and it comes with the Monday issue of The Star, the F3F5 SPM English issue, a free water tumbler, and of course, the Stuff@School! About less than RM1 per issue, you’ll be saving money by subscribing this way! (Pssst… if you purchase it outside, it’s RM1.20! D:)

Read: A GOOD DEAL.

RM 22 for 24 issues!

To subscribe, contact your school’s NiE coordinator and rally up some friends to subscribe! The Stuff@School issues could very well be yours. Trust me, you will NOT regret it. I’m not just saying this because I’m going to be in it (hopefully…very often. :D) But I’m saying this because I’ve always had a genuine interest in subscribing to Stuff@School , but they’ve never presented this opportunity to the students to subscribe to their Monday issues only before! Grab it while you can, and remember, the water tumbler is *while stocks last, so sign up fast!

Oh! And here’s this Monday’s edition of Stuff@School courtesy of their Facebook page. :) I’m lucky that I’m crazy-active on Facebook, because it’s been a medium of contact/information for this program.

My excerpt from my application essay reads:

“So, Stuff@School… 500 words to describe myself? That doesn’t seem like enough for someone like me!

Before you jump to conclusions (read: that I’m a self-centered person), that was just a joke. Let’s start off by saying that I’m actually a very humorous person. Almost everyone thinks that way about themselves, don’t they? Mostly though, I’m just a ball of lame jokes that keeps on rolling.

Come March 15, I will be 17 years old. I go to an awesome school called Bukit Mertajam High School in Penang. Besides being a self-professed Facebook addict, I also tweet, blog and tumblr!”

They weren’t kidding when they said excerpt. BUT they chose this part (of all parts – probably for the best lol.) So credits to Zoe/Lynette for their inside-joke reference to ball of lame jokes which I decided to “steal”, well, since I AM a huge ball of lame jokes… so I might as well. Haha.

I was proud of my application (to say the least). I thought it sounded like me, and it was professional and everything, yet exactly who I was. It represented me and everything. :)

….and my byline.

When Ann-Marie Khor Wen Ling is not typing up a storm on her keyboard - either rambling on her blog, or chatting with friends online - she is busy trying to bulldoze her perpetual mountain of homework. This proud Penangite, who has dreams bigger than the world itself, can memorise song lyrics faster than history facts. A full-time Facebook and gaming addict, this 17-year-old is also loud, opinionated, and enjoys immersing herself in the world of music.

So it’s been about one week since I found out I was selected. And we were broken up into 2 groups: which I’m so grateful for. I meant my team members, not the separation of people, lol. I have awesome, friendly, hyper team mates, which made talking about anything so fun. (today we discussed our team name, lol?! and it took forever. But in a good way. There never was a dull moment)

Go subscribe to The Star (or just the Monday issues!) and remember to tell them I recommended you. LOL. This could be the start of a wonderful journalism career. :)

Any questions/inquiries, I’d be happy to help as far as I can. But obviously the safest bet would be to contact them directly. The simplest way to do so is through their Stuff@School Facebook page!

Oh, and go ahead, and like that page! Come March (it’s just a few days away :D) They’ll organize a few competitions with goodies and prizes up for grabs! You could be one of the lucky ones, so why not try your luck, since you’re on Facebook practically all day, anyways? :D

(End of advert)

And no, they’re not paying me to advertise (they should? :P). But I mean, I’m only doing this because of the invaluable experience I know I’ll gain writing for them (how to keep it short and simple, and so much more tips I could only learn from the best), and the friends I’ll make, and above all, the wonderful one-month internship that 16 of us lucky upper-secondary students are lusting for.

God I sound so cheesy, maybe I’m mozarella today. Or cheddar… I couldn’t decide. LOL

*waves cute picture in your face as a distraction*

Queenie (gosh I miss her! :D), Joshua (my brother) and myself.

I’m still as chubby as I was before. Boo-hoo.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I know I always sound like I come to a self-realisation at every blog post, but here goes. People come and go. Most times, when things get tough, they run away. I got insecure, thinking that I wasn’t good enough. But then it hit me, right smack in the middle of my face, that I was the only person who deserved to make myself feel inadequate…and now, why would I ever do that? Friends don’t stick around forever, so we should cherish them while we can. I’ve met some friends, undervalued them, thought I could never be friends with them…and look at me now. I’m actually looking forward to their presence, and if they’re missing, I don’t feel..complete.

Funny how life works, isn’t it?

I guess in a way, I thought it’d be a guy somewhere, out there, who will complete me. Be my other half, more than anything. Then again, it’s not just one person who’ll complete you. It’s a hundred different people, that you’ll never expect, that will help put who you are together. :)

It’s so easy to just sweat over the small stuff, like being liked or not, and so much more. But why waste time? Why waste your energy? *cheesy optimism* You’re worth so much more than that. So don’t get too caught up in what other people think. :)

“When you’re a teenager, you think that everyone talks about you. When you’re an adult, you don’t care what everyone says about you, you’re going to do what you want anyway. And when you’re old like me, you’ll realize that nobody really cares about what you do.”

Wise words from a random guy (who was in his 50’s) at this Usana talk that my mum had me go to. I thought it was…okay. Too money oriented. Made me realize nutritional science was a viable study option. I actually like it. *cough*

P/S:Will you love the ‘you’ you hide, if I but call your name?

"Sometimes you pick your friends, sometimes they pick you."

2011-02-15T20:31:00.001+08:00

Happy (belated, but who’s counting? lol) Valentine’s Day! If you’ve ever loved somebody put your hands up! Nelly’s “Just A Dream” is stuck in my head. Well, the Sam Tsui & Christina Grimmie version, of course. :) If you haven’t already (talk about outdated!) you can watch it here.

This year’s Valentine’s Day (in Malaysia…at least. Only in Bolehland, eh? :D) actually had some racist drama to it. And no, not the kind of mild racism that Zickry is blaming other people for. But all out racism (or more like religionism if there is a word for it?) which had a lot of people saying, “1Malaysia my foot lah!”.

Dear ignorant fools, Valentine’s Day, or any other day for that matter, is not an excuse, or free pass to go out and commit sinful offences like khalwat (close proximity) or pre-marital sex. In fact, by definition:

Saint Valentine’s Day, commonly shortened to Valentine’s Day, is an annual commemoration held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions.

So… what’s it to ya?

(If you watch Spongebob Squarepants, you’ll get what I’m talking about)

Sorry if you don’t. *cough*

Valentine’s Day is a wonderful day for expressing love. Although any other day is as good as it is, the history that comes with this day gives some people the courage. ~~SO WHAT ZIT TOO YA?!~~

So anyways, as everyone is so painfully aware (probably for obvious reasons) I’m single. Been single since the day I’ve been born. *depressed face* Lol no I’m not really depressed. I’m actually quite… happy I have been. I doubt I have the emotional capacity to truly handle a person’s emotions… I’m pretty moody, immature, and have crap self-esteem. Highly unlikely to make a person insanely happy due to spending long hours together. :)

But it’s fine. I’m learning, I’m growing. And the only reason anyone should really get into a relationship is because they can see themselves married to that person in the near future, right?

(So what are 12/13 year olds, or younger, doing in a relationship, acting like total sluts over much older guys, breaking up a few months later?)

(Or what about those couples that argue all the time, usually end up in tears, then get back together that very same day, followed by ridiculous touching IN SCHOOL?! And the cycle continues especially with the guy “cheating on” his “girlfriend” with other girls in his class?)

(Not referring to anyone in particular. Siapa termakan cili dia terasa pedas)

Haha..cracking myself up at other people’s misery. I’m a terrible person I know. Totally ending up in hell. Anyways, the problem with relationships with people our age is that WE ARE FREAKING IMMATURE. We have our moods, we have our..problems. Studies, parents not letting us do things that we want to do, not giving us enough space. We’re not making our own money yet. Still living off of our parents.

So I mean, okay, congratulations to all those couples (young, or otherwise… *cough) who have “survived” so much together. But what about those who don’t? Problem statement: How to overcome heartbreak? Conclusion: Don’t get into a relationship!

I guess I’ve started preaching about the wonders of singlehood. I guess there’s perks to being in a relationship too. Otherwise why is everyone so obsessed about it, right? But seriously. As my godmother always tells me…why the rush? Do you really want to remember your entire school/college life in two parts only? Dating sessions / studying? Of course some people do NOT mind that at all. In fact they enjoy it.. being on the mind of that special someone all day and all night. Having someone truly care about you and how you feel. Someone who will acknowledge your existence, who will be there for you, just say their name and they’ll be there. That kind of romantic crap.

I’m not a Valentine’s Day grinch… but to those dummies people who are ridiculously sad about being single on Valentine’s Day or any other day, really (cause Valentine’s Day IS just another day, after all). Please crawl out of the sad hole you call your life and embrace the..benefits of singlehood. While it lasts.

Because before you know it, love will come waltzing into your life, and…well. You should enjoy everyday of your life, single or not. :P

So. Benefits of being single? (Images from this demonstration courtesy of Google Images. :))

1. Being able to “lust” after guys that don’t exist (e.g. Taylor Lautner or for guys, –insert name of hot actress here-) without judgment from anyone. Especially from your supposed better half.

Look at this sexy beast. HAHAHAHAHAHA *chokes* But seriously. Taylor Lautner. >.> *melts*

Boyfriend (non-existent): “WHY YOU LIKE TAYLOR LAUTNER?!”
*insecure* – especially if he has no six packs

This is for Chin Xu-Xing who called Scarlett Johansson so “voluptuous”. I agree…but hearing that word out of Chin’s mouth and the tone of his voice…. *shudders*

So I mean, okay. You can totally lust after her obsessively if you’re single. When you’re in a relationship, with a jealous girlfriend at that? Probably not.

2. You don’t need an answer for everything. Okay fine, if you’re as old as I am, you probably do (to your parents) but otherwise, not at all.

Friend: Where did you go?
You: Home.
Friend: Ok.

With your girlfriend?

GF: Hey baby love you so much muax muax where did you go?!?!
You: Oh I went home :)
GF: Go home do what? I missed you so much don’t ever leave me again!
You:….. (left to explain what you did. Every painful excruciating detail, probably. Because she’d probably want to hear it. Again and again. D:)

Frustrating… I know. :)

3. You pay for your own stuff.

Now okay, if you’re a gold digger, this is obviously a downfall of being single.

But when you’re in a relationship, you’re kind of expected (in reference to males, duh) to pay for your other half for meals. So if you go out for McDonald’s all the time, it should be fine. Especially if your girlfriend is a skinny (or trying to be skinny) girl, she probably won’t eat so much. But McDonald’s standards is so freaking low! Why can’t we go somewhere expensive like… Nando’s? Secret Recipe? :D

4. No drama.

This may not be true all the time, but it’s true most of the time. You keep your butt out of petty arguments with your other half, which will usually be publicly ridiculed among your friends anyways.

“Eh they’re fighting about _______ again?! Oh no…”

Now if you’re on the other side of the wall, and you’re watching a couple arguing, it’d be a good time to get some popcorn. (No heart people talking, lol)

Okay jokes aside, seriously. Single people USUALLY have less drama to handle. :)

*end of demonstration*

Ok don’t get me wrong la. Just saying. These are some of the reasons why I’ve accepted this #foreveralone-ness. It’s fine. Some day, my prince charming will come along. He won’t look like anything I expect him to. He won’t be everything, he won’t be perfect. But he’ll be perfect for me.

And the day that God chooses to send him to me, I know that I’ll be mature and capable enough of taking care of and nurturing our relationship.

….. and of course one of the many perks of singlehood is that you have an insane amount of time to hang out with a lot (if not all) of your friends. :)

1st row: Fozi Addina (kepala punyalah besar)
2nd row: Vinodhan (the gay), Laila (the perasan) and Fatin (the cute and quiet XD)
3rd row: Lai Tzia Yeung (the self-googler) and Ann-Marie (also known as me =.=”)

Chakri Balboy the insulter (P/S: LU MAU MATI KA!)

Fozi & I um before volleyball? lol :D

Ann-Marie and Li Teng (aka Lalatanggg) the homework expert HAHA.

She’s so freaking smart. D: (This was before Maths Olympiad)

Fozi, Vinodhan & I during debate.

“Debate Photoshoot” (I’ll bet that your school isn’t special enough to have this RIGHT!)
Nabilah (loudspeaker XD), Fozi (the fearful), Ann-Marie (the bossy. Yes I admit. =.=), Cik Marshima (the awesomely fashionable debate teacher. If only fashion had anything to do with it..lol joking!), Lai Tzia Yeung & Vinodhan (gay partners, and Julia (the sensible and brainiac :D)

The EFEOR team *happy face* by far the most successful project I’ve ever been involved in. So many wonderful memories with Tzia Yeung and Vinodhan (usually coupled with frustration, but that’s fine) and our wonderfully dedicated teacher, Pn. Nurul Husna. :)

Jamboree Night! Sue Teng, Czea Sie, Joe Xin, me, and Christine!

Can’t believe I miss being a complete noob at being a girl guide, awkwardly standing around. LOL

The family & godfamily. :)
Soon you’ll realize that blood really is thicker than water. As much as you hate them, as much as you despise what they have done (or not done) for you, you’ll realize that they’re the ones who will be there for you unconditionally. Because seriously, who else has tolerated you for all your life, and not walked out on you yet?

Random hangouts with huge groups of friends!
Wendy, Ivon, me (wtf can’t see my face *emo LOL), Melisa, Xu-Xing, Kenvyn (the kambing), Collin & Alson.

Camwhore sessions!

Being random and sakai in shopping malls, hoping that no one we know (such as a certain school’s students *COUGH*) is going to see us. HAHA.

Being able to take dumb photos like this without your girlfriend (of course referring to Collin and Xu-Xing la. I’M STRAIGHT!) going “OMG my sot sot darlinggg” HAHAHA *excuse me while I go pee from laughing too hard*

Ann-Marie, Wendy & Kamatchi.

Ok next time we take photos we take photos like this not FULL BODY photos kthxbai

Ann-Marie (gosh I just love typing my name! :P), Esther, Felicia, Irene and Samantha. :D

Random camwhoring with people I’m freaking close to (or not) because I have a camera. HAHA

Going out with a guy and a girl without being a lamp post! Woo!

Wendy & Shaun, the Kuan/Kwan clan. :)

Felicia, Julia & I. (For some reason this photo’s color very weird. I didn’t even edit. =.=)

To being able to go out shopping…awkwardly…. LOL

My godsister Natalie & I. :)

For being able to talk about guys that I like/she likes without getting murdered by her mom because they’re halfway across the globe, probably working out at this very moment haha ;P

For being able to hang out with guys, whacking them against their backs, acting all manly (because it comes naturally) and making jokes about bodily functions and er, well you-know-what without being taken too seriously. :)

Boo Keong, Zickry and Ann-Marie

HAHAH WTF MAN. THIS IS THE ONLY PICTURE I HAVE OF ALL THREE OF US (WHERE ALL OUR FACES ARE VISIBLE, FOOL!) AND WE LOOK LIKE WE’RE MAD/POSESSED/HAO LIEN OR SOMETHING.
(Yes I meant to scream that)

Damn sad. Next time when I ask to camwhore you guys just shut your mouth and smile. :P

Conclusion? ~~Broccoli is a vegetable~~.

I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS! (especially if you read my blog lol *self-conceited face* haha just kidding ;D)

Ok now that I hurt your eyes with a ridiculously long blog post, I can go for a few weeks without any updates. I need to catch up with my homework, hope that I get picked for the Starstruck! by The Star program, write my application for the BRATS program (with permission from my parents.), do my Oral script, Choral Speaking script…and that’s just a “rough” idea! D: Save me.

Btw I started twitter-ing again. Because I haz no life. Follow me here.

….. and finally.
“You cannot say you've lost a friend. If a friendship is capable of ending, it is because it never existed.”

Don’t get into a relationship if you’re not mature enough to handle all the responsibilities that come with it. Because, at the end of the day, we want our relationship to last forever in dog years. :) (Or am I the only one…)

The way things are going, I’d think that time is trying to run away from me.

2011-02-12T21:30:00.001+08:00

People always say, ‘I wish things were as simple as they used to be.’ But technically, that isn’t possible. As we get older, we have to shoulder more responsibilities. We stop depending so much on our parents for everything. We’re expected to just know what to do. Then we start working, and we start devoting ourselves to our jobs, our careers, our future. Before you know it, you’ll have your own place, you’ll have to pay your own bills, and… well, it’s not so simple anymore.

Point is, there is no way for things to just be. Simple as they were when we were little kids, carefree, and with nothing to lose, the responsibilities that come with growing up will prevent us from continuing to enjoy that total care freeness….

It seemed like it was just yesterday that it was the December school holidays and I was lazing around. Then January rolled around and I was trying to adjust my biological clock to the tedious routine of school, homework, tuition, and trying to balance doing the things I love *cough facebook and such cough*.

Oh and not forgetting random camwhoring too. HAHA

But yeah now it’s February and 2 days from now will be Valentine’s Day ~~wtf be my valentine can~~?

Before I know it it’ll be December and I’ll be counting down the days till SPM is over. I’M SO NOT PREPARED.

I finally understood the first chapter of Add Maths (this year’s syllabus) and it felt so awesome when I can conquer the questions lolol.

My *almost* perfect graph :D

Then I’m reminded of why I’ve never gotten an A for Add Maths..like…ever… because somewhere along the way when you think you’ve finally sussed it out, it turns around, tramples on your feet (well in this case, brain cells) and huffs off, yelling “YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME.”

I’m so punny. Not.

My writing is getting more stable, or so I’d like to think. Always a good thing.

I think this year I’m coping better with school. The homework situation hasn’t um changed much because I’ve um still been procrastinating without any good reason and when I’ve finally decided to sit down and do my homework, I feel to sleepy and start yawning non-stop.. Then, my brain will start being persuaded to sleep (my comfortable bed it just RIGHT THERE anyway! and besides I’ll only sleep for a few hours… I can do my homework when I get up!) and I’ll give in. And when I wake up it’s because my mother is panicking, yelling at me to get up because it’s 6.45 and any later, I’ll be late for school.

Boo-hoo.

“Time and tide, waits for no man. What’s our vision? What’s our plan?”
Parts of the old choral speaking scripts are still stuck in my head.haha.

*emo* Sigh.

The other day I went out with Boo Keong and Angeline (main purpose was for her to pass her present to Boo Keong..but I had to go buy mine cause…I didn’t…go out…..with my own money…. before this. HAHAHA *desperate face* leave me alone. I know I’m a bad friend)

I guess I’ve been putting off buying Boo Keong’s birthday present “for tomorrow” cause there always seems to be time. Well guess what kids, there’s no time ;(

HAHA.

And the buying the present part was Part 1. Part 2…. wait for it…..

will be LATER.

I bet someone’s about to slap me now. *hides*

I kinda went looking at some photographs of me earlier last year, and beyond that…and i realized I’ve gained like…A LOT of weight….. Seriously…. *depressed*

Must be all that fries/coke refills/overeating I’ve been doing. WTH

When you’re stressed you kinda stop caring about the other things (I guess that’s kinda been my way of solving problems…ignorance.) and yeah. Look what happened. *shakes head*

DAMN YOU HOT GREASY DELICIOUSLY YUMMY FRIES! :O

Moving on.

We were sitting there (all three of us) when suddenly Boo Keong and I ran out of coke. So it was his turn to go get the refills. As he was gone, this young girl slided into Boo Keong’s seat… and I was like… “uh?! Someone’s sitting there” in my head. But I thought she’d get the picture.

Then she looks into her bag, pulls out these two laminated cards. and some handicraft with strings on them. On the card: “These handicrafts were made by the hearing impaired. Please buy one for RM 6, or two for RM 10. They need the funds.” something like that, in Bahasa Malaysia.

Well um, if my conscience said anything, I would’ve bought it. But I guess my parents are always wary when it comes to beggars/those people selling things to supposedly “raise funds.” because there are just so many cases of cheating and what not.

Then she pointed at each of us, with two fingers. I didn’t understand. But Angeline did. And she was like “each of us pay RM 2, just buy one. We share la.” So I was like…oh okay… smart person. I guess, why not? Then Boo Keong said THEN WHO’S GOING TO KEEP IT. Which is a good question because it can’t be split into um, 3.

Then Angeline concluded that I would keep it, and they would each waiver RM 1 for my purchase. *COUGH* Very kind of them.

When the girl left, Boo Keong said that he saw the girl talking to some guys in front of McDonald’s without using sign language (which she was using on us.) But I remembered making cricket sounds when she wasn’t looking at Angeline and I…and if a person could hear, he/she would definitely turn to look at what is the source of that ridiculous noise. And that girl didn’t….

So whatever.

What goes around comes around! :O

I still think it’s pretty. The thing that I ended up buying. So-called charity. Oh well…

….and oh my Chinese New Year…was….average. Lol. In case anyone was wondering. :) Will blog about it. I think. Will not curse it by saying I’ll do it tomorrow cause tomorrow never comes. x)

Happy Chinese New Year! :)

2011-02-02T18:48:00.001+08:00

Wishing everyone nothing but the best, and to have an awesome New Year (cause before you know it we’re going to be stressed and get caught up in our very mundane lives all over again D:)

I’m feeling about 50-50 right now HAHA. Emo cause time has passed so quickly (I can’t believe it’s February already WTH?) and yet extremely excited and happy to get to see relatives I don’t normally see, and of course for those ang pows. *evil laughs*

Imma be rich. :P I can dream, right?

Omigosh “reunion” dinner tonight. Lol. We don’t really have those typical reunion dinners where everyone sits together around a huge table eating steamboat or home cooked food. It’s more like, first come first serve, and hang out in the living room for TV shows afterwards. The family on my mum’s side is hugeeee. Which explains why. Oh well can’t complain, can we. haha.

*cough* I finally bought clothes. One dress (I’m still surprised I can find one that fit me well =.=), four tops, one pair of shorts, and one long pants. HAHA. I went shopping at Nichii >.> Who knew?

Last Monday. I mean two days ago… *cough*. Went for lunch and shopping before BM tuition with my mum, brother, aunt and uncle.

Cross-processed pictures always somehow look better :S

Mum and brother.

Aunt and Uncle.

Okay this shop is the first shop you’ll see when you exit Pacific as you head towards Chinatown (good food places..especially the air-conditioned one, but we came here because our favorite haunt was closed for the Chinese New Year holidays… screw them =.=) DON’T GO HERE. I tell you… you better listen to me. HAHA.

It’s ridiculous, they only speak CHINA mandarin = unfathomable language. Half the food on the menu isn’t available because they have no chef… service is terrible… And it’s so expensive. Sheesh. XD

Chinese New Year decorations!

I know how people always criticize Pacific for being full of lalas and ahbengs (maybe it is D:) but whatever, the departmental store is pretty good. I guess it’s better than Jusco’s. Which says alot about it, doesn’t it. HAHA.

My monkey of a brother. HAHA.

I downloaded like tons of apps on my iPhone. The games have so far been awesome, but the uh… photo editing ones? Not so much. There’s one app for cross-processing (which I used in the first two pictures) which is quite good. Then there’s another photoshop like app, and panorama picture one… but for the rest they suck! HAHA. Very laggy, and they don’t deliver the results they promise. LOL.

My dad was right when he said that I would be spending a lot of time on new gadgets so maybe he made a smart choice in not giving me a DSLR. ~~WAIT WHO AM I KIDDING~~.

Hahaha *cough* syiok sendiri right. Ahh.

Once again,

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, FOLKS!

Have a great one :D

P/S: To elope or to suicide. Take your pick.

You needed a pillar of strength, but all I am is a crumbling tower.

2011-01-24T01:21:00.001+08:00

I always feel like I’m never enough for anybody. Because I live off people – their affirmations, whether they care to care for me. And it’s destructive behavior. I’d go into bouts of emoness (for this petty feeling shall not be called depression lmao). The best part?

I need your touch just too damn much.
Loving you
Isn’t really something I should do.
Shouldn’t wanna spend my time with you.
I should try to be strong.
But baby you’re the right kind of wrong.

Sorry, commercial break. HAHA

Okay the best part is that I got really obsessed about being cared about. BUT WHY WOULD I BE, you ask? Well it’s because I’m insecure. OMG domino effect haha. (Terrible self image > Terrible self esteem > dependency on others to feel good > destructive feelings > emo > terrible self image…. and the cycle continues!)

*sniff sniff*

So I’ll stop hoping that you’ll bother about me, because it bothers me that you seem like you don’t bother when in reality I’m getting all hot and bothered for nothing because when you care to care for me, you do care to care for me, but when you don’t care to care for me, I just can’t care less about everything else.

I think this is the best solution I came up with .Well, aside from actively working on improving my self-image. Duh.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

So on other events. My father got me an iPhone. Keep it in your pants, kids, cause it’s just an iPhone 3, and is probably 3rd (4th or 5th? in fact..not too sure about it’s history lol) and the saddest part is that there are like a million apps to download, plus the phone is jailbroken so it’s like awesomeeee but my battery can’t last. You win some, you lose some, huh? Pretty much. Lol

After playing Tap Tap Revenge 4 for slightly less than an hour, my battery went from 96% to 43%. So depressing. :(

So anyways this marks the new era of insanely large amounts of photos cause it’s so simple to take and upload on facebook/instagram (iPhone’s version of picnik but it’s more like flickr since you have to upload your edited photos on it lol)

So here goes. Some random, some camwhore-ing. Mostly camwhoring. Lol.

This picture was taken in 2008 when Jusco first opened. which would explain why I look…um, weird. And my godsister too *gasp* She would kill me if she saw this lol. And look people lining up for donuts behind us. =.=

Wow what a long time ago lol.

This was taken like…an hour ago. HAHA

I can haz strawberries! *lala voice* lmao.

Half face. Cause I fail at taking photos of myself with a huge phone :S

Me and my godbrother, Jeremy. We were walking together to the gift shop where our parents were and he saw my phone in my hand. Then, he was like.. “Hey Ann-Marie…cool phone.” *smiles* LOL So cute. :D

A photo of my unfinished homework to remind myself that I love procrastinating instead of actually doing it. WHEEE.

So here’s a list of things I’m supposed to do. COUGH.
1. practice piano. I’m starting to suck – and not even the good kind :(
2. Write choral speaking script (HARDY HAR HAR joke lah :D)
3. Meet up with Clarence and Wendy to do Alumni Dinner interview review. >.>
4. Attempt to finish all homework (ANOTHER JOKE)
5. Actually work out
6. Buy clothes for CNY. HAHA
7. Clean room (I don’t know why it doesn’t just stay clean – one of the biggest mysteries of the world) HAHA

Oh okay. It’s like 1am and I’m like still procrastinating *yawn*

P/S: I’m getting over myself today

It isn't the words that you say, it's more like the things that you do.

2011-01-21T22:22:00.000+08:00

I know I'm the kind of person who would be terrible at a whole lot of things. I'm insecure, I never feel happy with myself (fine, maybe for a fleeting moment till someone like my mom makes a comment, or a skinny friend complaining she's fat...nonsense.), I'm just generally..unstable emotionally.

So, I've come to a conclusion that I would probably be terrible at relationships. Friendships...okay, especially if they're not relatively close. But more often than not, the people you let into your life, slowly get affected by your erratic behavior, ask Zickry in regards to my emo moments, right?

Bla bla wallowing in self-pity yes I know. And no Desmond I don't hate you (You're not right....HA!) and in fact, it's you I have to thank. Because if you must know, it's because of you that I'm feeling so much better as a person now. And yes, I'm still working on it (duh)

You're like crack. Cause I'm addicted to you. And everyone tells me, oh you suck and you're bad for me and you're probably going to kill me, literally. But I can't stop. I really can't... the withdrawal symptoms just might as well kill me anyways.

HAHA I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. I'm too tired to think properly. Bleh. Oh, it's an update for the sake of updating LOL. Whee~

P\S: Why can't things just be easier?